Who You Become After Betrayal

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1:16 All right. All right. Yo yo. Welcome to another episode of Weirdinary. I'm your host Brad Kuan and today I have a very special guest. This brother was born and raised in Waterle, New York and currently resides there. He is a NASAM certified personal trainer and kettlebell specialist with six years of training experience. He's been a postal service employee for 11 years known for his consistency and strong work ethic. He has been a homeowner since age 25. He is guided by the philosophy educate, elevate, empower. He he has recently began running a mile daily and completed his first 5K in just 20 minutes and 34 seconds. His brother enjoys hiking, waterfalls, and the tranquility of solitude. He values authentic connection and personal growth and shares daily motivational quotes on Instagram to encourage optimism and make a positive impact. Today's being old habits won't get you new results. Ladies and gentlemen, the divine brother Desawn Catel, how the [bleep] are you, man?

2:36 I'm [laughter] damn. Oh, man. It's an honor. That was beautiful. Thank you. Thank you. You know what I'm saying? And you you deserve that, man. Motherf Listen, every day people need to get their flowers. Thanks for having me. Absolutely. Absolutely, man. You know what I mean? It's a it's it's it's a pleasure to be able to sit down with you to to be able to [snorts] feel the the vitality that you carry that you probably take for granted because it's just [clears throat] something that you just that you that you just have. You know [laughter] what I'm saying? Um it's it's it's an honor to be in your presence to be able to pick your brain. Uh thank you, brother. Yeah, dude. I constantly I'm I'm I'm seeing your I'm seeing your content every day. You know what I mean? You're in the gym. You're grinding. You're working. You're motivating. I Bro, I I love what you do. Thank you. What you stand for is is is is is beautiful, man. You know what I'm saying? It's it's you truly walk within the divinity that exists within all of us. And what what hurts is the fact that everybody doesn't doesn't understand that.

3:42 No. You know what I mean? When you it should and it sounds crazy to some people, but like we really are all God. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? We we we all have the ability to walk in the image of God because we all possess a sense of divinity. It it it's inherent to all of us. You know what I'm saying? Mhm. It's just the willingness to acknowledge and [snorts] accept that, you know what I'm saying? That gift. Um, and dude, just just just seeing you just being a person, a a brother who services the community, you know what I'm saying? That's how you really walk within that divinity. That's how you really step into the crown that's always been yours. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely. And um it's uh dude, it's just, you know, understanding the makings of your of of your humanity is is is something that um is is something that I uh I I would know is going to benefit me wholeheartedly. And I just want to thank you again for taking time out of your day after after a long day at work. Absolutely, man.

4:45 To come here with me. [clears throat] Of course, man. Thanks for like I said, thanks for having me. Thanks for reaching out. And yeah, you know, I'm honored to be here. Grateful to be here. [bleep] yeah, brother. Absolutely. My first question to you, King. Growing up, what did you learn you had to do to feel worthy of love? Man, what did I do? What did I have to do to feel worthy of love growing up? You know, the biggest thing for me growing up, man, to to feel love was always to give love, you know, in the best way that I possibly can. Um, you know, I've I've always prided myself on just being a good friend, being [clears throat] a good uh a good son, you know what I mean? Just always being there for people that, you know, if if somebody calls me, I'm going to pick up the phone. You know what I'm saying?

5:43 So, giving love, I think, is just the best way to to receive that. You know what I mean? So, I've always just tried to, you know, be kind, be respectful, um, treat people the right way, and just without even in at a young age, just not even understanding reciprocity, but just always just leading with kindness, respect, and just treating people the right way. Yeah, that's kind of like how I've always navigated, you know, connections and, you know, any way to receive love. Let me ask you, um, did you grow up? Do you have any siblings? I'm actually the only child. I have three half sisters on my father's side, but I'm the only child from my mom and dad. Yeah, I grew up the only child as well. And it's clear we had two totally different upbringings because [laughter] took me a very long time to understand that you got to give love to get to to to to receive it. You know what I'm saying? I just, you know, when you when you're reared in dysfunction, you know what I mean? is you you have a different perception of of humanity. Um that said, tell me about your relationship with your with your mother.

6:58 Yeah. Um I mean to this day, like my mom my mom and I have a great relationship. Um she's always been the disciplinary in the family. Um for me, my [clears throat] dad was always kind of like the laid-back guy. um he would always hold it down financially, but my mom and I was She's definitely the one I've always um I guess you could say reported to. You know what I'm saying? Um but great woman, you know, she's always treated me well. She's always treated me with love. She's always, you know, showed me that I could be or do, you know, I could be whatever I want in life. I could do, you know, whatever I want to do in life. and she would always be right there for me. Um, somebody I would never want to disappoint, you know what I mean? She's uh just a great woman that's [snorts] always been there for me, you know, nothing I could really [clears throat] say negative. Um, not perfect, nobody is, but she's always um been there to show me that, you know, that she loves me in the in in the best way that she she could. So, and to this day, you know, it's it's a blessing to even have her in my life cuz, you know, I as I grow not everybody has that, you know what I'm saying? So, sometimes [clears throat] just taking a step back and just appreciating the fact that she's still there and um she's young. She had me when she was 20, you know, so she's we're 20 years apart. Um so, she's 57. She comes to the gym every Sunday. So like seeing that, having that interaction with her and just being able to work out next to her is just a blessing in itself because that's just like I said, you know, not

8:47 everybody has that, you know. So I just stay grateful for the fact that we have that bond, that connection. Yeah. And um you know, not for nothing, I mean, you know, diabetes and heart disease and hy and and hypertension and [bleep] runs rampant within our community. So, the fact that she is uh that she's that she's seasoned and is and is into physical fitness, you know what I mean? That [clears throat] says that says a lot, you know what I mean, about about her spirit and how she carries herself and you know, the just the principles that you guys are rooted in. Yeah. You know what I mean? I really I admire that because it's so easy to be up there in age and just not care about that [bleep] Absolutely. My father was like that. Yeah. Yeah. That said, uh, tell me about your relationship with your with your pops. So, my dad, he passed in October 2020. Um, okay. So, he passed in 2020. My relationship with him was very good. I actually have I had a really good relationship with both my parents, honestly. Um, I moved out, like you said, 25 years old. Um, so I lived at home the whole time, but [cough and clears throat] specifically my father was always home. He retired from Alb High. um back in O2. So he was a Albony or he was a teacher there 35 years.

10:09 He retired O2 and [clears throat] he didn't do much after retirement, you know, he didn't really stay active. He kind of just was in the crib watching the sports, doing his thing, watching CNN, watching the news, just that was it. That was like his life. Um, so to your point, as far as you know, not being active at an old age, I actually like saw that and you know, it's cool for a little while. And at the at the end of the day, that was his choice. That's what he did. So, I respect it. You know, I never was at that time like, yo, you need to do this or you should, you know, do this. Like, I just kind of sat back and just respected that that's what he wanted to do with his life. You know what I'm saying? Like that was it. Yeah. [clears throat] So, um, but he was awesome, man. He was, uh, anybody that knew him, like I run into people that went to Albony High that are older than me and I always like just throw out like, "Oh, you know, my father, Mr. Catel," and people like, "Oh my god, that was your father?" Like, so I've always heard great things about him. Um, he had me when he was 47, so he was much older than me. Um, so I I think that's why I've always just had that respect for him because he was a lot older. Um, [clears throat] so going back 2020, he passed I think he was, man, I think he was 77 at the time.

11:39 So, you know, when you're in your 20s and your pops is, you know, 70, you know what I'm saying? Like it's that's such a gap where it's like if he cho if he chooses to sit back in the crib watch his TV like and that's what he wants to do. It's like [laughter] you know what I mean? Like I don't have much to say to that. But been through a lot, man. He's Yeah, he's seen a lot. I've been through a lot. Um but one thing I can say about him, man, like he always made it a point to come in my room and sit down and talk to me. And that was something that he always pointed out that his father never did with him. So he always like made it a point to come in and just he'll knock on the door. He'll just sit down and just tell me stories about whatever. And I'm like playing the video game like I'm so young. You know what I'm saying? But [clears throat] growing up now looking back at that like I do appreciate the fact that he did that. You know what I'm saying? Like he took time to do that. And again that came from his father not doing that. But um great dude. He was an alcoholic. Um [clears throat] and not not in a sense of like terrorizing stuff and and you know getting drunk and and and just acting crazy, but like he would definitely be you know that was his thing. That was like his he was like a functioning alcoholic. Like he he needed to drink.

13:11 Like if he didn't drink, he would like have the shakes, you know, go through withdrawals and you know what I'm saying? So like he like actually needed to drink to like feel, you know what I'm saying? So present. Yeah. Yeah. That that was definitely his his thing. Um, and again that was never anything I judged him on or just like again I think the age gap just made me that's just who he was. You know what I'm saying? But that never affected me. At least at least I never thought that affected me in like a negative way. Like it's not like he would get drunk and then like come you know hit my mom or like you know what I'm saying come at me and like start throwing you know what I'm saying? Like he would just do his thing. He'd be in his room doing his thing, whatever. [clears throat] But imagine, do you have a relationship with alcohol? You know, I like am an occasional drinker. Like if you were like, "Hey, you want to have a shot?" Like, I'd have a shot with you. I'd have a drink with you, you know, but I that's not really my thing. I smoke.

14:15 Um that's kind of been my thing for a while. [clears throat] Um and even that's like, you know, something I'll do at night time, you know what I'm saying? before bed or something like that. That's not something that like you're doing all day. Nah. Nah. Like I don't need to smoke honestly. I just I don't really have a relationship like where like I'm addicted to anything really. Mhm. I just really choose to do things that I enjoy. Um so yeah, my relationship with alcohol is very controlled. Like I don't mind it. I don't love it. You know, if alcohol discontinued tomorrow, I'd be just fine kind of thing. [clears throat] Well, let me ask you because you said you're not addicted to anything. I have this I I I believe we're all not addicted. We're not all addicted to something, but we're all dependent on something. Sure. That said, with fitness, Yep. who are you without it? You know what, man? And it's been a part of my life for so long that [sighs] I wouldn't even know who I am without you.

15:21 That's what I'm saying. [laughter] You know what I mean? Like it's like [bleep] I mean, like, do you feel like it's an addiction? Because you can be addicted to something to to to something good. Sure. I mean, you know, my thing with that, like I guess I just look at addiction like let's say I'm supposed to work out tomorrow and I don't work out. Like I know people that if they don't work out they're pissed. Like that ruins their whole day. That is not me. You know what I'm saying? Like that's not and that's the distinction that needs to be okay. Like I'm not like if I miss the gym it's all good. You know what I mean? Like yes it's a part of my life. It's it's what I enjoy. It's what I like to do. Um it's just not like it's not the end all be all I guess. Like I like to work out. I I I'd like to say I need to work out because I it for health reasons, but like if I were to not work out for two days, three days, I'm not like, "Oh my god, I need to work out." Like I need to, you know what I'm saying? Like have that feeling.

16:20 No. No. I would never. No. I I I I like to think I have a very healthy just relationship with anything I really am involved [clears throat] with. I think that comes from just having a strong set of intrapersonal skills. I agree. Yeah. Yeah. Strong sense of self. Absolutely. Absolutely. And I I like to talk about that because we hear interpersonal skills, but I don't think for what I haven't heard intrapersonal, you know what I mean? Uh I don't think anybody has ever said that to me growing up. Sure. I mean, I learned about that [bleep] later in life, you know what I mean? So, it's something that I've that I've definitely wor had to work on later in life and uh really de developed because growing up the only child, I mean, I just I had a lot of like social issues and [bleep] like that, you know what I mean? So, this is actually doing this podcast is actually really helping me um you know, streamline uh my uh my my my interpersonal skills and I I get to learn more about myself through the shared realities of others. So I really get to work on myself through just having these these these deep conversations with people. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely.

17:37 Um so yeah, I mean it's it's but it's really I really like the fact that you uh have that strong foundation with your parents. And let me ask you, when your parents when when your parents messed up like everybody inevitably does, did you receive apologies? Um, not that I can remember to be honest. Um, and I guess to backtrack, me messed up with something with me or like Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like you know what I'm saying? Like I [bleep] happens, you know what I mean? Whatever. I don't know. Whatever example, but like Yeah. Like whenever you felt like you were scolded for something that you didn't do or maybe it wasn't that serious or you know what I mean? Like were there was there ever like yo I'm sorry son you know what I mean you know not that I can remember to be honest with you and maybe I'm wrong but not that not anything that stands out that I could like actually pinpoint. Fair enough.

18:41 You know fair enough. Not that I can remember. It's something that it's something that I always want to ask people because so many of us haven't had that experience. Yeah. And so many of us [clears throat] have different experiences because of that. You know what I'm saying? And me seeing how grounded you are, how positive you are and [bleep] like that. Like I just wanted to see where it was and if you did have the same experience as me, it just helped me better understand like just like this this sense of being that you that you carry, man. Like I ser it's it's really beautiful to see somebody with such a good sense of self-esteem. You know what I mean? And I can tell that it's been rooted in you for a while cuz that's something that I've struggled with my entire life. You know what I mean? It's it's it's hard, man. Not not understanding um quite where you fit in. Yeah.

19:41 And having to feel as if you have to do certain things in order to fit in. that may go against who you are at the core, but it's like you're like this is what I got to do to be accepted. Which brings me to my next question. What part of yourself did you learn to hide during adolescence to feel accepted? That's a good question. What part of myself did I feel like I had to hide to be accepted? You know what, man? I I don't really have anything that I was afraid to like show anybody growing up. Um cuz for me, I had to be the class clown. Yeah. I never had that, you know, like you know what, and this wasn't necessarily to be accepted, but I do believe like when people would come to my house, cuz I used to have a lot of like friends come over, play video games and stuff like that, sleep over and stuff like that when that was actually like accepted back in back [clears throat] when we were growing up.

20:57 But um like sometimes like it would be I would be like, "Man, is my dad drinking?" You know what I'm saying? like you know if like if he were to come over like I didn't know if he'd be drinking or like how he would be acting. You know what I'm saying? So sometimes that would be like I wouldn't want people to see that or people to know that. So [clears throat] but sometimes that was not in my control. But the ones close to me like my close friends even to this day like they just knew what it was and they eventually got to know him and had a relationship with him as well. But I think that was definitely something that I definitely I never put I never advertised that, you know what I mean? I never was like open about that. Um, unless you really knew me and were close to me. But again, that's not something to be accepted, but it was something that I definitely I can't really recall anything about myself personally that I tried to hide from anybody to to to feel accepted or be accepted. Um, I do believe, you know, in hindsight, you know, I was always on the football team, on the track team, like, so I was always kind of like accepted, I guess.

22:14 Um, yeah. Job. Absolutely. You know what I'm saying? Like, um, in some kind of way. I was definitely cool with everybody. Like, I guess you could say popular kid. Water's very small school, but definitely like, you know, popular kid with sports, stuff like that. So, I definitely never had an issue being I guess accepted. Um cuz I think sports kind of always did that. Gave me like Yeah. Gave me like a little edge. Understood. [clears throat] Question. You feel a Did you feel a sense of shame regarding it for others drinking? You know, it was it was just like Yeah. I I would say like a sense of embarrassment a little bit cuz you know he kind of he got to a point where he just let himself go you know and he would just sitting in that room man and sometimes didn't want to get in the shower didn't want to you know take care of himself and you know that kind of just catches up to you I feel like and just you know you start to you start to see that every day and then you kind don't want other people to see that, you know, or or notice that, you know what I'm saying? So, as good as as as good of a father as he was, that side of him was like like, damn, like I don't want I don't want my friends to know like, you know what I'm saying? My dad like hasn't been in the shower, you know what I'm saying?

23:47 He's not taking care of himself and you know, stuff like that. So, yeah. That's that that's depression. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. And the thing about it is like I mean I think we've gotten better with with addressing that as a community now. Sure. But you know during his generation that wasn't a thing. No. You know I mean what do you from what you know about him if I can ask what do you feel like he was what demons you feel he was battling? You know what man I don't know. I genuinely don't know because I know I know he's been drinking my whole life. like and again he had me at 47 so he was well into his grown man era before having me. So um he's always that's I from what I've heard that's always been his thing. So I just got to a point where I could grow up and understand like what was actually going on because you know when you're a kid you don't know you don't even know what alcohol is.

24:47 [clears throat] Um there was a time like um he got a DWI with me in the car. Oh yeah. And I didn't know what was going on. I was like man I think I was in like sixth grade maybe like 11 12 years old. And y'all never forget this man. Yo we were in a car wash right in Laam. This car wash is not there anymore. We were in a car wash yo and you know how you pull up to the front they you got to roll your window down. and they ask you what you want. He told the the guy what you know what kind of car wash he wanted. Bro, we got to the end of the car wash and there was a cop sitting at the end of the car wash. I'll never forget I had I had my little kickball. You remember the DARE program? Yeah. I had a dare kickball in my hands and all I know is I just seen cops taking my dad away. I'm like balling my eyes out crying like I don't know what's going on. Like come to find out. Yo, and I think it was I think he was drunk from the day before. I think he was hung over. I don't think he was drinking with me in the car, but I think he was they smelt it on him.

25:51 Yeah, cuz it was early in the morning. I remember that it was early in the morning and all I saw was just him getting handcuffed, him in the back of the car. I'm like crying. I don't know what's going on. Go to the police station. My mom's there. Um damn, I don't even know why I just brought that up. um going going back to demons, but like I don't know exactly I don't know what he was dealing with cuz I never I guess I was just so young and he was so older than me to where I didn't like if I was me now and he was alive, I could have those conversations. You know what I'm saying? But at that age, I didn't even know how to really Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I wasn't even at the age where I could really have that conversation with him. Let me ask you, in your formative years, what belief about yourself took root during a painful experience that you're still learning to question as an adult?

26:58 Can you say that again? Yeah, of course. Of course. In your formative years, what belief about yourself took root during a painful experience that you're still learning to question as an adult? Um, something that maybe was like so traumatic that you really couldn't process it then, but you're like reflecting on it now. It's like you're like learning like how do I deal with that? How do I process that? You know what I mean? Like hell if it Oh, go ahead. Go ahead. No, no, no. Go ahead. You go ahead. Cuz I was going to say like cuz sometimes it like That's a good question. Yeah. Yeah. 100%. Cuz sometimes it like helps if I give an example myself. You know what I mean? Like there were situations I dealt with just like being constantly being blamed for things that I didn't do growing up. You know what I mean? And just like just that feeling of of feeling like a [bleep] You know what I'm saying? Which made me play into that as a defense mechanism. You know what I mean? When I'm in school and that's why I'm acting like a class clown even though I'm actually smart as hell. I'm acting stupid and [bleep] just to get laughs in order to heal that wound that I can't fully process. You know what I'm saying? Kind of use that to validate yourself.

28:26 Exactly. You know what I mean? My mother calling me stupid when she's getting mad at me. So, it's all just, you know what I mean? I'm like, maybe this is what I am. You know what I mean? And then I grow up and I and I question it and I'm like, cuz I would get drunk in my 20s and I would do all this [bleep] to entertain people and I'm like, why am I doing this? Why am I presenting myself as a court jester, as a grown ass man? You know what I mean? What what is this really doing for me? Yeah. And then I'm getting mad at people for treating me I you like we teach people how to treat us. Yes. And I'm teaching people to treat me as a clown. I'm getting mad at them for doing that. You know what I'm saying? And it's like, you know, that that's something that that's that's that's like how I view that, like that belief about myself that took root from like my parents treating me a certain way. You know what I mean? And um you know, that's something that I had to learn that that I had to question and make sense of growing up. I had to get out of that [bleep] you know.

29:33 Man, I tell you what, I don't know if this necessarily answers that question, but um one thing I really went through at a point in time in life was just like understanding that everybody's not your friend. God, like understanding that just because you're cool with somebody, just because you smoke weed with somebody, that doesn't make them your friend. And I had to kind of understand that and learn that and unlearn that because that I went through a point where I thought everybody was my friend. Yeah. You [clears throat] know what I mean? So, and you know, going back to your question as far as, you know, something rooted in me, like I thought like, oh, I'm cool with this person. I'm cool with that person. Like everybody I'm not going to say everybody likes me, but you know, oh, like I don't have any enemies. Like everyone's cool with me. like I have mad friends like that's not the case you know what I mean so that's something but I went I had to go through something to understand like that's not the case and you know now I still just I'm so much more aware of that that you know with discernment and stuff like that that just I can understand and see like who's real who's not who really [bleep] with you who doesn't you know what I'm saying like who really supports you who doesn't you know who's there for convenience or always there to really cuz they love you kind of thing. Um that's something that I still to this day just [clears throat] always stay like hyper aware of. Um but I did go through a phase where like it was just hard to that was a hard pill to swallow, you know what I mean? To understand like people [bleep] you over, you know what I mean? people do people do dirty that you

31:21 thought were your friends and just understanding that that happens. Life happens. I mean, I that's something that I feel like I'm still learning. You know what I'm saying? Like that that's something that I could definitely say is something to this day that I'm like, "All right, you know, everybody's not your friend." got to be very mindful of who you give trust to because right add this thing where I would like I [bleep] um this is quote I don't even know if Ernest Hemingway actually said it but sometimes on social media they'll have quotes that they'll tribute to somebody that didn't actually say it but whatever all I know is there was a quote that said if you want to know if you can trust somebody trust them and I've done that like I'll give trust us until people until people show that they don't deserve it, right? And in some cases that can work. But I've been I've been burned quite a few times. Yeah. Because of that.

32:27 You know what I'm saying? Like, you know what I mean? You know, it's just it's interesting. You know what I mean? But nah, man. Just being being older, like being in my early 30s, man, I I I still deal with that [bleep] You know, it's tough. I think people I think people that I dap up, people that I smoke with, people that I shoot the [bleep] with, I feel like we're feel like we're friends, man. And uh it's it's just not it's just not real. I mean, you got people in your family Yeah. that you think are your friends, right? That are true. They're around only because you're family. They deal with you only because you're family. You know what I'm saying? A lot of [bleep] you know, deal with you only because you're around, because you're convenient, because they have to deal with you. You know what I'm saying? You know, I don't know, man. It's trust is trust is wild, bro. Yeah. It's uh it's it's one of those things that it's like it it takes a while to to build, but it can be stripped in a second. Yeah.

33:28 You know what I mean? Like Yeah. Like Rome wasn't built in a day, but it can get be torn down. It could be torn. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? So, it's it's it's definitely, you know, it teaches you, man, you got to be careful, like you said, and just be aware. Makes you kind of more aware of who you have around and and what these people what their intentions are and, you know, and just what your intentions are. You know, that's that's also something that you have to think of cuz, you know, you could give trust in so many people for all the wrong reasons. You know what I mean? just it could be validation. It could be cuz you know maybe that makes you feel seen or makes you feel like you're cool or accepted. You know, back to your point cuz you know you have friends or [snorts] people you think are your friends. Um but yeah, trust is uh it's a hell of a thing, man. What is there is is there an example in particular that you can think of that really helped you solidify that belief that everybody isn't your friend.

34:36 Yeah. You know, so I mean I'll expand on that that situation. So um man, this was 200 2009ish. No. 2012. 2012. And basically a girl I was dating at the time and I was friends at the time with this one individual. We were tight, you know, at least I thought I was, you know, I thought we were. I mean, we were hanging out pretty much every day, smoking every day, whatever. And [clears throat] bro, long story short, the girl I was dating at the time, and this guy at the time, they slept together. And there's what there were several times where we, us three were hanging out, you know what I'm saying? Like I stayed at his house, you know, I birthday part, the whole nine. Like I thought that was my that was my boy at the time. And my best friend to this day, um, he had went to school. He went to school in Morrisville. We actually grew up together from like sixth, fifth grade to today. But at the time he went off to college. I stayed home for college. I'm not blaming this on him, but there was a dynamic shift and like I used to hang out with him every day. You know what I'm saying? And that's still my like ride or die. Um, but he went to Morrisville and I was doing my thing here.

36:05 and I linked with this one dude. Like I said, we used to smoke all the time. We used to hang all the time. Long story short, they connected somehow some way. Um, she ended up telling me that and that was like devastating for me, man. That was like [cough] cuz I was [clears throat] getting it from both sides, you know what I'm saying? Like it's betrayal from him and her, you know what I'm saying? And at the time, man, I just didn't know how to handle that. But like even though I wasn't Mr. Perfect on my end with her, [clears throat] it was still a tough pill to swallow because it was at that time it was more of a it was more I guess you could say painful from him. I was going to ask you like who are you more upset at? Yeah, cuz like the the betrayal was like, yes, you're getting betrayed from both parties, but her and I actually continued on to try to like work things out cuz again, I wasn't perfect. She wasn't perfect. So, it was like, okay, we can kind of try to navigate this. You know what I'm saying?

37:10 But at that moment, like finding that out from him, yo, so she told me, I pick up the phone, I call him, and I was like just to ask him as soon as he answered. I was like, "Yo, such and such this happened." And he was like, "Oh, wow. She told you." Hung up the phone. That was the last time I spoke to him. And to this day, I haven't spoke to him. And I got nothing. I got no hate towards him. You know, if I were to see him, I mean, I definitely don't [bleep] with him. But it's just like that was such a big lesson for me right there. I needed that. You know what I'm saying? like even, you know, as as hard as it was in the moment, I needed that. You know what I'm saying? That really solidified like, okay, not everybody's your friend. Like, just because you hang with somebody, you smoke with somebody, [clears throat] they smile in your face, like they could be plotting on you the whole time, they're looking at your girl the whole time. You know what I'm saying? So, and that was a point in time where I was 19 years old, 20 years old, something like that. [clears throat] And um you know it was just one of those things man like you never saw it coming. You would never think that that would happen in that way. You know what I'm saying?

38:26 Um somebody you're hanging out with on a daily. Um so yeah, it was it was definitely a tough situation, but I needed that, bro. I needed that that smack in the face to be like, "All right, like you can't just be you're Mr. Nice Guy here. you're, you know, you can't just be giving your energy to everybody. You know, it kind of just woke me up to make me a little bit more [clears throat] aware of who I'm surrounding myself with. So, it's it's wild because when I got cheated on on my first real relationship, I I I I fell into the victim mentality. Like, how can she do this to me? like do anything to deserve this. And you really you get older and you look at it and it's like I looked at my situation. I'm like I I I'm not I'm I can't say it's right to cheat on anybody, but I can to cheat on anybody, but I can understand why she did it. Absolutely.

39:31 You know what I mean? Like I wasn't listening to her when she was legitimately saying like, "Hey, I I need you to do this." Yeah. So I can feel like I'm valued. I get that. and I'm just not listening, right? You know what I'm saying? And you know, she's like, I don't even know if this [bleep] cares about me. I You know what I mean? So, she felt like she had to do that in order to see, you know what I mean? Where it is I lied. You know what I mean? In terms of in terms of valuing valuing her presence in my life. Yeah. And you know, you get older and you can really process it, but in the in the moment, man, that [bleep] is that shit's hard. It's hard. And that level of that feeling of betrayal of hurt that really [bleep] me up for a while. I couldn't interact with women for years. That [bleep] like Oh my [bleep] god. That [bleep] was crazy. Yeah.

40:28 But yeah, like uh that [bleep] takes a toll on you, bro. It does. And it was hard for the people around me to understand. Yeah, that [bleep] you know. But uh yeah, everything really does happen for a reason. It does. It does. It in that situation for me, man, it was like, oh, man, it was like just like you said, it it just needed to happen. It was just it it was such a such a smack in the face from him. And and going back to your point, like you're able to look back and reflect on that and understand like, you know, where may where you may have went wrong or what you may not have been doing to to deserve that, quote unquote. But Mhm. And I could say the same thing like Yeah, I was going to say like what I was going to ask like what do you feel you may have lacked that helped her justify that action? You know what, man? Like I don't think you could the level of that for me was like there's no right in that like you kind of can't justify that because like y'all both wrong. You know what I'm saying? Like extremely wrong. And how long did you know him for?

41:41 At the time we went to school together. Um but at the time maybe a couple years. Um, but you know, you can't like I can't justify it, but I could understand, you know, you're young, you're whatever you're doing things, but it's like when you when you are messing with someone's friend and when your friend's messing with someone's girl, that to me is just like I could never do that. like I could never see my friend's girlfriend in that light at all. You know what I'm saying? Like I I just I don't operate that way. You know what I'm saying? So for me, that's like something that I can't really justify, but I can look back and see like just if you're talking about cheating overall that I could understand. Like I'm not saying it's right, but I can understand like, hey, you made a mistake, as people like to say. I don't really believe that, but [clears throat] you know, you you you chose to go outside the relationship to experiment and have fun, whatever. Cool. Um, I wasn't perfect, like I said. So, hey, you're at an age where maybe communication is not your strong point.

42:59 You know what I'm saying? You're not going to have a you're not sit someone down, have a conversation, figure it out that way. You're going to go do your thing. Cool. But at the same time, it's like on his side, I would never understand that. You know what I'm saying? Her side, it's like, okay, cool. Whatever. Whatever. Her and I may have not have been on good terms. Who knows what led her to do that, but it's more understandable, I guess you could say, between her and I versus me and him. Like, I just will never understand that. Let me ask you, are you more willing to give and if I'm reaching here, please put me in my place, you know, but you feel like you can give a woman more grace in that situation because women tend to be more emotional whereas men operate like more different. Yeah. Yeah. You think that's where [clears throat] your mind is in that regard or is that just a reach in that particular situation or just cheating in general?

44:03 Uh in that particular situation, do you think that do you think that played a role at all in that particular situation? I gave her a little bit more grace because I also wasn't perfect. Did you cheat as well? I did. Oh, okay. You know what I'm saying? So, like I was young. I was doing whatever I was doing. So, like and I told her that. You know what I'm saying? Like at the end of the day, that's why two wrongs don't make a right. Hindsight again, looking looking back. But like at in that moment, that made sense for me to like let's try to work this out. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Hey, you did your thing. I did my thing. Let's just put that in the past. Let's try to move forward, right? So that like I couldn't consciously put that all on her cuz it's like who am I to really do that? I mean, at that point, it's probably revenge, too. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, that's why like it hurt coming from her, but it was like way more of a blow from him. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, it still hurts regardless. Nobody wants to be cheated on, but at the end of the day, like that also teaches you like you cheating on other or someone else. Like, you don't know how that's making them feel. you know, you're doing your thing in the moment, having fun, whatever you're doing, but it's like you're also putting that pain on somebody else. You [snorts] know what I'm saying? So, there's like an unspoken code of brotherhood.

45:31 Yeah. That comes with that comes with men in that situation. You know what I mean? It's just like that's just not some [bleep] you do, right? And so, like I I just couldn't to this day like I just I don't hate him at all. Hey, you you did what you had to do. But it's just like it was a great lesson. Like that was definitely a pivotal point in my life to just make me realize like yo, not everybody's your friend. So, in a sense, I thank him for that. You know what I'm saying? I'm grateful to even be able to learn the lesson from that. You know, at the end of the day, you know, that helped me grow as a man, that helped me grow as a partner, you know, just [clears throat] and understanding, like I said, like when people cheat, it's an internal thing for whyever they're doing it. It's something that they're battling on the inside, you know, something that I was battling on the inside. And you just realize like this ain't good for nobody. You know what I mean? So like having that done to me was also a great lesson cuz like you over here doing it and it's like that's not cool but you don't really know how not cool it is until it's done you and and a lot of and the thing the thing about brings me back to uh Kodak Black line he said I can lie to you but don't you lie to me you know what I mean and and that's like a lot of a lot of men operate on that you You know what I mean? And I guess is that something that you is that's you feel like you were rooted in that mentality like you know I can cheat but she can't like is is that sort of you know what I wasn't even I'm going to be honest man I wasn't even thinking Yeah.

47:16 You know what I mean? Like I wasn't even thinking about like the consequences or just like I I genuinely wasn't thinking just doing you know what I mean? Like you're young and dumb just taking advantage of whatever is thrown at you for whatever reason. [clears throat] And um yeah, so it was never anything like you know like I'm okay with doing this but you can't do this kind of thing. It was just like I'm just living freely when I when I right when I shouldn't have been. But so that was like again both parties whatever the situation was still not right. But that was definitely a pivotal moment in my life to like just wake up and like understand like the lesson from him was like yo not everybody's your friend. The lesson from her was like yo this ain't cool either. like you doing this but this is how you know this is how it feels you know what I mean like I think it really also helped you [clears throat] double down on the on the quality that you showed as a youth that you might have you know lost sight of in older age like you know you always gave love and in turn you received it you know what I'm saying but you might have lost sight of that in your older years just kind of just you know going with whatever came to you I mean you were always a popular guy, you know what I'm saying? Got a lot of got a lot of, you know, charisma and [bleep] like that. People sure chicks were just kind of maybe just throwing themselves at you. It's like [bleep] You know what I mean? Like, why not? You know, it's stupid. It's hard. It's stupid, but it's hard to say no in the moment. I mean, like, let let me ask you a question. Do do you feel like are you in a relationship now? No.

49:00 Do you feel like you can say that you wouldn't cheat? that you can honestly say that now. Yes. Yes. Let me ask you this though, just to just to say y'all going y'all going through it. You don't feel valued. She's not listening to you. This other chick is giving you all the attention. Maybe you work with her. Sure. Yeah. I develop in this relationship. She's giving you all that attention that you're not kidding. You happen to go for whatever. Let's say you drop her off or whatever the case may be. You know what I'm saying? You know, you comfortable. Y you know, y just chilling. Next thing you know, short just she just grabbed your dick. You know what I'm saying? Like [bleep] Like when you if you're vulnerable and is in that moment you're vulnerable. Mhm.

50:01 You're already not on the best terms with your significant other. So like naturally your mind is probably wandering. It's not something that you're thinking about acting on. Sure. But you know what I mean? You're you're just you're not it's not a stable situation. Yeah. Could you do you think you can honestly say that you would not act on that in the moment if I was in a genuine relationship? If you were in a relationship? Yeah. No. You know what, man? Cuz I I just believe and I've done that. That's like how I would, you know, just take advantage of an opportunity. But like I just know like nothing good comes from that and I have to live with that. I have to go home with that. Like people don't talk about on the flip side of that like okay you make that move you do that thing you still got to go home to your girl and now you got to be fake now you got to put on the smile now you got to put on you know you got to remember that lie you like so it's like I just know the effort that goes into that and it's like yo you're just much better off going home and having that conversation like just leave and and I know that's easier said than done but like you're much better off just having that conversation like Listen, temptation is a thing. It's real. It's very real. But at the end of the day, like when you have to go home and now you got to put on a facade, you got to put on a mask. That's way more effort than your little fix for 10 minutes.

51:28 And I think and that's exactly what it would be. Yeah. That's all it is. Because forbidden forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest. Sure. You know what I mean? That's just like it's like a hit like a drug hit like you know what I mean? But I think, and you know what's interesting? I got to be honest with you. I can't honestly say that I wouldn't act on that. And I think it's because I'm an addict. You know what I mean? I don't I don't drink anymore. I don't, you know, I smoke a little weed every now and then, but I'm not, you know, not like I wouldn't call myself a pthead these days, but you know, [clears throat] I understand I understand why Eve took a bite of that apple. Absolutely. You know what I'm saying? I I very much understand the temptation. I I get the I get I understand that like it's just like you get there's just so much more of a [bleep] pleasure. The dopamine rush from something that you know you're not supposed to be doing. Absolutely. Oh my [bleep] god. I get it.

52:30 That [bleep] is hard to even put into words. Yes. You know what I'm saying? That forbidden nature is just like oh my god. I I that's all I can say is oh my god. It's like it's some other world [bleep] at the moment. But so I honestly can't say that I wouldn't, right? And I think that's why I know that I can't be in a that I'm not in a position to be in a relationship. Yo, but that's valid. And you know, I can respect the awareness that you have knowing that. You know what I'm saying? So like I can respect that approach rather than getting in relationships knowing that you have that side of you thing about it too that makes me sick and I notice this even when I'm like in interviewing not not saying that you're doing it. Uh but just people love to say that people love to say what they think people want to hear. Oh yeah. In situation it just like kind of like [bleep] annoys [clears throat] me. I'm like my [bleep] just be real. Like you know what I'm saying? like me like I can't like you know it's just like I'm like I don't know like I I don't want to be a [bleep] [bleep] but I'm kind of a [bleep] [bleep] You know what I'm saying? That's why I'm like I'm not trying to hurt nobody so I don't even need to be [bleep] around. You know what I'm saying? It's just not like I That's real [bleep] though.

53:44 Yeah, man. Like when people tell you like focus on yourself, like they're saying that [bleep] for a [bleep] reason. And you know yourself enough to know that, you know? And you know, I think again I I had to go through certain things in life to get me to this point where it's like I know that's not the way. But it's always an interesting conversation cuz I've heard so many people tell me like you never really know until you're in the situation. You know what I'm saying? One thing I just know, man, is it's not worth it. Like and and going back to just what you have to deal with after the fact. And it's like we can get so caught up in the moment and the desire and the dopamine and yes, but like once you experience that and it's like yo, for five minutes of your life, you could just like mess up the rest of your life or like mess up your whole relationship or what you whatever the case may be, whatever you have going on at home, it's like that 5 minutes, 10 minutes, it's just I I see it time and time again. Nobody ever says it's worth it. Like if you think about it after the fact, like you know what I'm saying? Unless you're just I don't think I've ever Yeah. I [clears throat] I I would I wonder if there's anybody out there that says, "Yeah, I was worth it." Like I don't really know anybody that's like going around like I mean like proud to be like I don't know.

55:05 I'm glad I cheated on my wife. Yeah. Like I just I've never really And when [bleep] hits the fan, everybody's apologetic. Everybody's, you know, now you're crying. Now you're Now you're upset. Now, now you're mad at yourself. Like, you complete me. Like, all that [bleep] Come on now. Like, it's just like and [laughter] and also just really having the understanding to know like cheating comes from within. Like, you're doing that whether you know it or not. Like, you're doing that to fulfill something inside you. You know what I'm saying? Like [clears throat] if you h, you know, if you have an issue at home with your significant other and you choose to go outside the relationship to get that dopamine hit, like you're choosing not to have a conversation with your significant other. You're choosing not to leave. Like we have control over a lot of the things that we do. Like you know what I'm saying? Cheating is so premeditated. No one like Eminem like and he had said a line like like would you trip, fall, slip, land on his dick? Like that's like none of us.

56:10 I know exactly. You know what I'm talking about. Like so like it's premeditated. Like you know how much work if you really break it down how much work it actually takes to go to someone's house, do whatever the case may be. Like do all the things and then get back in your car, drive back home. Like that process, bro, is like so exhausting. At least for me that is just like yo whatever you're dealing with at home that's forcing you to go outside the relationship just go handle the relationship or handle maybe leave have the conversation because then if you go mess with that other person at least you can go mess with that other person freely and not have that way on your conscience like cuz then [clears throat] the second you cheat it's on your conscience now you're fake now you got to you know and I ain't knocking nobody Like listen, whatever. Do your thing. Like I'm not here to judge nobody what they do. I'm not perfect. But I just growing to understand like you're do like we do it for reasons on the inside. In periods of high stress, our brain goes into autopilot. Yes.

57:15 You know what I mean? And the part of our brain, I believe it's the basil ganglia. It overpowers our prefrontal cortex. Yeah. And we we just we we succumb to whatever urge that that we have in the moment despite the consequences that we know can come of it. We're not even thinking about it. Not yet. No, not at all. [clears throat] I I've read that when you have this urge, this nagging desire for whatever the [bleep] you should take 10 minutes. Yeah. Pause. try to take 10 minutes to pause because that's the period it takes to really see it to see clearly. You know what I mean? And it's it's hard. It's easier said than done. Absolutely. Cuz that it's it's it's almost like you're being you're being tested by the devil in that moment. You know what I mean? And that [bleep] is it's easy to fold. Oh my [bleep] god, dude. [clears throat] Seriously. You know? Yeah. And as a And it's crazy because as a kid like I saw like my mother cheated on my father. Same.

58:19 And I really Oh yeah. Oh wow. Dude, that made me like And it's like I My father also cheered on my mother like before I was even born. You know what I mean? And that's how my brother was born. I had I have a brother out of that. And that that's his situation was all [bleep] up. But like Yeah. And it's seeing him. I didn't know what he did. I saw what she did. And my mother was very vindictive. That's where I get that [bleep] from. And she threw that [bleep] in his face. She had the [bleep] on the phone and everything. That's crazy. And I'm like, I'm 12. Yeah. So, I'm seeing all this [bleep] I'm seeing him. this my my father the the man that is molding my perception of what it means to be a man in this world I'm seeing he's broken he's he he talking to the [bleep] on the phone like you know what I mean like oh man you can have her if you want her like and and the [bleep] on the phone like he felt bad he like man I don't I'm sorry you know what I'm saying I'm just like yo this [bleep] is [bleep] crazy [clears throat] my mother's just so cold she's like and my father's like yo I'm stay in the basement until I get my until I get my [bleep] right, then I'm out of here. And she like, "Nigga, you ain't staying here." And you know, just all types of I'm like, "Me seeing this [bleep] that really [bleep] up my perception of women." You know what I'm saying?

59:48 And cuz like I said, I didn't know what my pops did. I only saw what what she did, right? And you know, not for nothing, like I didn't have I didn't have the best relationship with my mom because she was she was a disciplinarian. like super disciplinary like like like dictator [bleep] You know what I'm saying? Oh yeah. And uh that was hard for me to deal with being super sensitive, you know what I mean? So yeah, that that [bleep] [bleep] me up. You know what I mean? And it's like you would think that that's enough to be like I would never want to do that to somebody. But when you deal with, you know, addictions and [bleep] like that and and and and you know, low self-esteem and the need for external validation, it just makes it all so [bleep] complicated. You know what I mean? But in your situation when you uh how old were you when that happened with you when your mother cheated on your pods? [clears throat] Um it was I was probably 13, 14ish. Right in that range. Damn. How'd that play out?

1:00:54 You know what's funny, man? And and I don't think anybody really knows this besides myself, but I'll share this all day. Um, mom, if you're watching, just know it's all love. It's reality. [laughter] But um [clears throat] I actually understand like how that went down and and why, you know, again going back to my dad [snorts] [clears throat] not necessarily taking care of himself in in the most hygienic way. You know what I'm saying? And so he retired and again he was holding down financially. She was not working. So at the time like his income was her income and I think this also helped me get to the mindset I was just reflecting on as far as having the conversation. Um but I think she just wasn't getting what she needed at home and she had to you know she she went out and did her thing.

1:01:59 You know what I mean? So like but even growing up like I got that. I understood that because like and I'm not saying it's right, but I got what she was doing. Um, [clears throat and cough] could she have I don't know. Could she have filed for divorce? Maybe. You know what I'm saying? I'm not saying that's what she should have done, but could she have done that? Could she have left the relationship due to the fact that she wasn't getting what she needed at home? But at the same time, she was being taken care of financially. So, there was like a there was like a give and take. Yeah. you know what I mean? She's getting taken care of financially, [clears throat] which is taking care of me as well, but at the same time, if she were to file for divorce or if she were to split now, she's going to have to like flip her life upside down. You get what I'm saying? So, like overall, like these are just things like, as an only child, as you know, I'm just sitting there. I'm observing. I'm watching. Um I'm gathering. So, I never judged her on that. I never looked at her any different, you know. I never thought that she I never questioned her. I never um you know thought that she was like this evil person cuz I got it like I understood the dynamic. You know it just became like they were kind of roommates.

1:03:16 You know what I'm saying? And he [clears throat] was doing his thing whatever and she would do her thing. Doesn't make her a bad person. It just that was the dynamic, you know, could she have handled that differently? Who am I to say that? You know what I'm saying? But I was able to even take that again and look at it like something is wrong at home. So you're you're fulfilling something outside the home for what you need, which I understand. But at the same time, again, going back to what I was saying, [clears throat] seeing that situation, it's like, yo, is that worth it for her? Obviously, maybe that was, you know what I'm saying? But like me growing up now, how I want to move, it's like, yo, you can fix this first before you go. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Do your thing. Um, so at the time it was like, you know, she was kind of like having her cake and eating it, too. You know what I'm saying? because she's being taken care of financially. Um, but again, I placed no judgment on that. I kind of understood the situation. Um, never again never looked at her any any different. I don't judge her for that. I never judged him for that.

1:04:34 [clears throat] But I do understand I could understand what would make her do that kind of thing. You know what I'm saying? And you know what was he going to do? he wasn't doing he wasn't stepping up being the person he needed to be. So it's like she went out and did her thing. So I got it. You know what I'm saying? I'm not judging either one of them. I just sat back and understood this is what the situation is. Fair enough. That [bleep] is that [bleep] is that [bleep] is wild to It's deep. [laughter] Yeah, it's deep, bro. [bleep] It's deep. But, you know, that's that's my reality. That's my uh that's what I grew up with. And you know, even looking back at it, man, like I don't it may sound toxic. It may sound whatever, but like that [bleep] was like normal to me, man. Like it was just like, "All right, well, hey, I can sit here, you know, and look you in the face and just completely understand that situation." You know what I'm saying? And I don't know how that affected me, but I definitely can understand.

1:05:51 [laughter] Obviously, it obviously you had a good you could pro I mean, you had a way of dealing with traumatic situations, you know, early on. You were able to process it better than I mean, better. I can only speak for myself. were able to process it better than I could cuz I was treating people like [bleep] Yeah. Based off things that I was dealing with or or couldn't deal with. You know what I mean? And yeah, Matthew, did your mother have a conversation with you following that? Never. I just always knew like I knew what was going on, you know, and it was a situation where like um I I mean we used to we would spend time here and there [clears throat] with the guy she was seeing. Oh wow. You know, I knew him and But you know what? It was always It's funny cuz like I I would never even at a young age I always knew I had a father and I always knew who my father was.

1:06:58 Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like my father was always my dad. Yeah. So like no matter what she was doing, like nobody was crossing that line to like come into my life and try to be my father or be any kind of father figure to me. You know what I'm saying? That was like her business. And I'm like, "Hey, you do what you got to do." But like the second anybody tries to like discipline me or like anything like nah. Like I know who my father is kind of thing. Like I'm not listening to you. I respect what you doing. You know what I'm saying? I get it. But like you keep that over there kind of thing. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? But you know, we never had a conversation. I just had like my own self understanding and you know, I grew up to understand like what was going on just by watching. Interesting. Yeah. It's kind of crazy to talk about this, but it's definitely um it's very real. Very real.

1:08:02 No, that's that's it's intriguing to understand your your grasp on emotional intelligence at a at a young age like that. Yeah. I guess where do you how do you think that developed, man? Like just me being able to to process that? Yeah. You know what, man? I have no idea. I just I I think just like you know, you know how they say like kids are sponges and they just pick up on everything, man. Like being an only child like so like the dynamic at my house, I had my own room. I grew up having my own room and I would just be in the room. My dad would be in his room and my mom kind of would always just like her area was like the living room. Like she would just be in the living room. They never like slept together. [clears throat] I never saw that. That's a similar situation to my mother and father. Really? They didn't. My father would like sleep on the floor. My mother would sleep on the bed.

1:09:06 Yeah. I mean, that was also a time where I would like still sleep in the room with her, but Well, yeah. But when I would when I would still sleep when I was younger and I would still sleep with my mother, he would be on the floor. Even when I would go into my room. Yeah. He would still be on the floor. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They never They did not share the bed together. No. No. Wow. That [bleep] crazy, right? Yeah. Hell yeah. That [bleep] is crazy. So, I've always like I guess just from that dynamic like I've always just seen I've been able to sit back and watch. You know, it was it was I guess not easy, but it I was able to observe, you know, I was able to understand like like, okay, she's out there. He's in there. He's drinking. Sometimes I would wake up, bro. They'd be arguing. They'd be yelling 2 in the morning, 3:00 in the morning. And I'm at an age where I don't even know what they're talking about. You know what I'm saying? But I I eventually understood like, he's drunk. This is how he can get when he's drunk.

1:10:10 But that was between them two. And this is where I was saying earlier, like it never came to me. Like nobody ever got drunk and he like started lashing out at me. Like they would have their differences and I just be in my room closing the door and just playing my video game. That [bleep] is so common. Like Yeah. Like when I was staying in Maryland with my cousin and my aunt's her may she rest in peace, they were like that. Her and her husband were like that. Like that [bleep] would sleep in the basement and she would sleep upstairs in the room and they would I would talk to her and she would talk mad [bleep] about him and he would do the same thing to her and I'm like, "Oh, wow." Yeah. You know, that [bleep] is crazy. But that's that's such a common thing in households, man. That [bleep] is [bleep] wild. Yeah, man. That roommate vibe. It's interesting, bro. God. And like again, I could see like the dynamic they had like it was the financial thing. Like that's why Yeah, that was what it Yeah, that's what it was. You know what I mean? So, but you know, I look back, man, and it's it it was what it was. And I still I wouldn't change it. You know, [clears throat] I I was able to kind of just observe. And I I can say their differences never impacted how they treated me. You know what I'm saying?

1:11:38 Like I never felt, you know, like I wasn't loved or taken care of because of what they had going on. You know what I mean? So yeah. I don't know. How do you How long have you been single for, man? Since uh July. Oh, okay. So, it ain't really been that long. No. Okay, fair enough. How Excuse me. I mean, how is what you witness, how does that, if does it impact how you uh perceive yourself in relationships or how you view relationships as a whole? I mean, just like on a subconscious level, do you think what you what you were reared in has an a lasting impact on how you you know what I mean? see yourself in relationships or relationships in general? Their uh their dynamic, my parents. Yeah. Yeah.

1:12:42 I don't think so, man. Because um No. Um I I I try to move very different than than what I I guess the example that I had growing up. You know what I mean? And I'm I'm not going to say it was like a horrible example, but it was like there's some dysfunction in that. You know what I mean? Um, so I obviously wouldn't want to um mirror that. You know what I'm saying? Like, and I think that's where that's [clears throat] where the the communication aspect really for me is like like if something's not right at the house, like fix it. Like I'm a big believer on that. Like and it took me a while to even get to that. Like I wasn't always this way. You know what I'm saying? Communication wasn't always my thing. But now I'm like more willing to have the hard conversation or just really stand on what I believe in and you know what I'm willing to tolerate or not tolerate. You know what I mean? So like for me it's like I can kind of learn from that situation and just know like I don't want to be like that. You know what I mean? But like I can I can use the the the lessons from [clears throat and cough] what they showed me and just sometimes the best lessons are like how not to be. Oh yeah.

1:14:08 You know what I'm saying? So like you know although they're great people, they're great individuals, they may not have they may not have had the best dynamic together, but like I can learn and apply like what not to do to like whoever I'm seeing. You know what I'm saying? So like whether it be just like hey conver conversing about whatever needs to be fixed in the household, whatever. [clears throat] And just knowing like knowing you're okay on your own like and that's a big thing for me is like going back to the solitude piece like having a sense of self, you know what I mean? Not not settling for something that's not right. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Not you don't allow comfort to override your awareness. Is that No. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like so like even if you're with someone and it's situation's not right like it's okay to be alone. And I think so many people struggle with that and so many people so many pe so many people stay in a situation that's not good for them just to fulfill the fact that they're not alone. You know what I'm saying? So like I'm not saying that's what my mom was doing. I think it was more of a financial thing. Um, but at the same time, I do think there's an underlying part of like just not wanting to be alone. Yeah.

1:15:27 Even if the situation is not the best, it's like you still have somebody around. So, yeah, you know, for me it's like having [clears throat] that sense of self is big. Um, but just being able to be like the best version of myself I can be for somebody else and just knowing like even if that doesn't work out or if things don't work out like I still have a solid foundation in me which is I think crucial for for myself at least. [snorts] Fair enough. So from there I want to um I want to shift gears a bit. Sure. Um tell me what did owning a home at 25 mean to you beyond just having a place of your own? You know what man that was uh so at the time I was selling cars. Okay. That's kind of how I got in the position to buy a house. Um, I used to work for Billy Facilo and rest in peace Big Billy.

1:16:34 Great dude, man. You actually met him? Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. He He was very uh very personable. He was always at the store. He was like very hands-on. Um, great boss, man. Awesome boss. Larger than life. Yeah, man. He was a great dude, man. Regardless of what people say about him, man. Like, he was he was awesome. I I got nothing but positive things to say about him. But yeah, I sold cars from 2010 to 2015. 2015 is when I stopped selling cars and I just transitioned to the post office. Um, but that was big, man, because like I used to work with this guy. His name is Tom Kohzer. He passed as well, man. Rest in peace. And um, at the time, man, he was just on me, man. He was like, "Yo, got to get you got to get a two family. Got to get a two family. Got to get a two family." And I think that's what kind of like sparked my interest maybe. Um, but I always knew like also like I did want to buy a home. I think just at the time that was like I think I was like 22. That was like the thing to do like oh you should you know move out, buy a house and you know have kids and like the American dream kind of thing. Um but for me like you know he would push me and you know I started to do well in sales and um just the opportunity came and I was getting at the point in my house where like you start getting to that age where like you don't want to bring women back to the house anymore like you know what I mean like parents are cool with you bringing women in but it's just I don't know you kind of get to that point where it's like you're you're kind of growing out of that. You know what I mean?

1:18:19 So that kind of like pushed me over the edge just to be like, "All right, I got to kind of start to maneuver my own thing here." And um yeah, man. It just at the time I was in a position financially, credit was good. Um you know, coworker was just telling me like, "Yo, this is what you should do. You should do this." And I never bought a two family, you know, looking back at it. I don't regret it, but I just kind of like I always kind of wonder like, man, I wonder if I did that, like how would I be right now? But I just didn't know if I was ready to be a landlord, you know what I mean? So, I was like, somebody told me at the time like, yo, why don't you just buy a one family and see what it's like to buy a house first and maybe down the road if you want to have a two family, go for it. So, that's what I did. I just bought a one family and I moved literally a mile down the road from my my parents house, you know what I mean? I'm like right down the street. So, Um, but it meant a lot, man. It just um it I think I think people perceive that more than more than I did at the time. Um, at the time I just felt like this was just the next step. And I just I I don't know at the time like 2015 interest rates were low like you know first time homeowners um loans were kind of easy to get I guess if you were in position to do so.

1:19:47 Um to me it just kind of felt like okay I'm doing this. like I I didn't really I kind of didn't look at it as a big deal almost where like people around me did people around me more so thought it was like oh wow it's like really impressive like like good for you which I totally like received that but um for me it was just like I just thought I was just doing what I was supposed to be doing I guess like just doing the next step kind of thing and But I I was very proud of that cuz nobody in my family has ever done that. So like my friends [clears throat] were not doing that at the time. So I just definitely was something that I was definitely proud of especially like in our community. You know what I'm saying? Like that's not You don't hear that too often. Yeah. But I never wanted to uh I'm a humble guy, man. I know people sometimes when people say, "Oh, don't be humble." you know, talk your [bleep] whatever. But like I just, you know, I I like to have people talk for me kind of thing. So, for me, like I I was super proud of it.

1:21:03 Um, and now like I have like cookouts at my house, you know, twice a year. So, it's like it's kind of cool to be able to host certain things and have the family over. Like it it's definitely cool, man. It's definitely a blessing to even be in that position to own a home. But yeah, it was definitely an accomplishment. Um, it's something that years prior I definitely wanted to achieve. Like um that girl I was talking to you about with the cheating situation, she was big on like having a child at at a certain age. She wanted to have a child at 26. And like I was just like, man, I wasn't thinking that way at the time. I'm just like, yo, I'm trying to buy a house. I want to get a house. that was like on my mind. 22, 23, that's what's up, man. Damn, I was trying to get [bleep] up. [laughter] You know what I mean? But, you know, I credit that to where I was in my career. You know what I mean? When I was selling cars, I was like making decent money. And I think I was just around people that were, you know, in that space. You know, the guy Tom called, he was 50 something years old at the time. I'm 22.

1:22:10 And he's like telling me like kind of what to do. My parents, they like had no part of that. they never they supported it but they weren't like I never had that like influence from them or like motivation from them or anything like that [clears throat] but I think the car business being around older people the sales managers they all had like multip multiple properties and like I think just being around that kind of like helped me get into that at that age. So I definitely credit that to just where I was in life, you know what I mean? who I was around at the time. That's what's up, man. Yes, sir. Let me ask you. I mean, you're dependable as a as a as a as a post worker. You're are you a male carrier or Yeah. Yeah. I mean, dependable there. You got to get [bleep] they mail. You know what I mean? You're you're people depend on you to to help them get their bodies right, their minds right, and [bleep] Yeah. When has being dependable for others made it difficult to admit that you needed support?

1:23:23 Say it again. When has being dependable for others made it difficult to admit that you needed support? Give me an example. Fair enough. Like [bleep] take a therapist for example. You know what I mean? Like you sit here and like you wonder like you look at a therapist and you're thinking like this person has all the answers. You know what I mean? You think that this person it's so easy to think that this person is this person is good. Like who does this person need to talk to? Sure. You know what I mean? But you realize at some point this is a human being that that needs that needs a therapist too. You know what I'm saying? But it's like it's it's hard to view somebody in a leader position as being vulnerable and needing to excuse me and needing to be led themselves. You know what I mean? So, it's like the best Yeah, that's the best example that I can give. I remember when there was a friend of mine years ago, he played therapist to all of us and then one day he was just like spilling this [bleep] out to me and I'm like, I'm playing therapist to you. Like, what the [bleep] is this [bleep] This is weird. But then, but then my man was like, "Yo, like therapists need therapy, too." You know what I'm saying? And that's that's a fact. You know what I'm saying? So, yeah, that's really what I mean. I mean, because for so many people, I mean, you being a fitness instructor, people people trust you with their lives essentially. You know what I'm saying?

1:24:54 So it's like, you know, it's like when and you taking that role, that leadership role, like it can be it can be tough for you to admit that that you need help or support yourself sometimes. You know what I mean? I just feel I feel like that I feel like that's just a that's just a uh human thing for people. You know what I mean? No, for sure. Like not every teacher allows themselves to be teachable. That's true. Um yeah, I think for sure like us as humans, I mean we all need need that outlet. We need a support system. Um even when you are a person that's always helping others, you know what I mean? I think we definitely always need that sense of support. Um, you know, anytime I do get into a situation where I do need that support, um, I'm definitely one to lean into that. Um, mostly with just like close friends, you know, like Jordan for example, him and I talk every day, so like if there's anything that's really going on, like he'll know about it. Um, and I don't I don't really shy away from that, you know what I mean? Like I definitely sit with self. I'm I'm big on that. You know what I mean? Like if I am going through something like I'm definitely going to sit with it, you know what I mean? That's where, you know, maybe nature comes into the play or like the waterfalls come into the play. But I [clears throat] always will sit and reflect and internalize and and take that time to pause and and think cuz I think life goes so fast that we just don't give ourselves time to think.

1:26:37 M so really taking that time to really process and [clears throat] before you react, you know, um and lean into those people, man. If you have them close to you, I definitely lean into the friends for emotional support or any kind of support. Um cuz we are human and we all go through things and we all have things that we're battling even when we are the people that need to show up every day and um be the motivators and be the the people that are leading. You know, we leaders need to be led, you know, and coaches need to be coached and like you said, therapists need therapists, man. For sure. So, yeah, it's it can be tough for people to step out of that role, you know what I mean? Because a lot of the times that [bleep] becomes your identity. Yeah. becomes your that like you know it's it's your purpose sure but like is it really your identity? Is it really who you are? Right. You know what I mean? Like is it the end all and be all and it's hard for people to it's hard for people to step outside of that role sometimes. It is. You know.

1:27:40 Yeah. And uh but no, I respect the fact that that you don't have a problem asking for help. That's always been tough for me. You know what I'm saying? Because my father used to always tell me like, "Yo, don't sweat [bleep] man. Don't ask nobody for shit." And it's like you need help, man. Yeah. You can only get so far with that, man. And you know, holding it inside doesn't help either. You know what I mean? Eventually that's that's that's going to blow up. So, um Yeah, man. It's It's good to get [bleep] off your chest, man. Cuz it's like it's not healthy keeping it inside all the time, you know? And I know a lot of us do that or tend to do that. Yeah. Yeah. That's a fact. I I got to stop that [bleep] That's [laughter] not good cuz [bleep] will be like, "God damn, [bleep] Where did this come from?" Like like I'm sorry, man. Like Yeah. But it's just like, you know, it's just like I just let [bleep] snowball, man. But because comes from like not having a voice. That's Yeah. Yeah. You know, so you just hold on to [bleep] and it just becomes something and next thing you know, you throwing a spare bomb at a [bleep] You know what I mean? and they're like, "My [bleep] like I just stepped on your shoe by," you know, like what the [bleep] is going on?

1:28:53 It definitely helps having people close to you that know you that care for you that you can actually depend on and lean on, you know, cuz I could definitely see like if if that's something you didn't have or if someone didn't have that, like they have no other choice but to hold it in. Yeah. if they don't feel comfortable sharing and cuz I mean you're not just going to go up to any random person and just start spilling everything. But um I've seen people do that. Yeah, it's I've had people [laughter] I've had people tell me some [bleep] I'm like, "Damn, I just met you." I appreciate the trust, but yo, that's how you know they really needed to get that off. Yeah. [laughter] Yeah. You're dead ass. But I don't I don't judge. I mean, I've I've done that [bleep] too. You know what I'm saying? I've I've overshared. It happens. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes we just need somebody that's willing to listen, man. Yeah. Yeah. Then I'm like, so sometimes I do it and I'm like, god damn, I wonder what that person thinks for real. [laughter] You know what I'm saying? Yeah, man.

1:29:52 Like, did this person really need to know that I take meds? Like I [laughter] You know what I'm saying? But yo, it's, you know, it's it's be like that, man. You know, [bleep] Just got to stay grateful for the for the people in your life, man, that you can that you can lean on because not everybody has that, man. Yeah. And um that gratitude that you're able to really connect with in solitude. I really want to tap into that because let me tell you, let me tell you something, man. Not too many of us get into hiking like that. You know what I'm saying? And I I need to get back into it cuz for so long I I was really into it, bro. Like I was doing I was I did a bunch of like high peaks out here. Um when I was out west I was doing a bunch of hiking. I was planning on doing a throughhike on Appalachian Trail for a while, but I [bleep] told that [bleep] to too many people and I just just discouraged myself, you know? But uh I bro, nature is such a beautiful [bleep] thing.

1:31:03 It is, man. And we live in an area that's just like we have such an abundance of it, man. What got you into that? Yo, 2023, man. Um after a relationship of mine, um I I don't say like, oh, you know, my relationship ended, so now I like just see nature. That's not the timing of it is that, but that's not like what sparked my interest to get into it basically. Um, but yeah, 2023, man, I just started to uh it was fall and I wanted to see the the foliage, you know what I'm saying? And I had a client at the time and I'm like, "Yo, where's like a good spot to like go see the the colors and stuff?" And and she was like, "Yo, you should go to Thatcher Park." And I used to always hear Thatcher Park, but I never went. You know what I'm saying? I think my mom or my parents took me there when I was a kid, but I don't even remember that. But um so she told me that, yo, one day I just drove up there by myself and just started walking and I found this little spot and I just sat there for a while. I started looking out and I was like, "Wow." Like, okay. Like I get it now. Like at first, bro, not to sound crazy or ignorant, but like I thought that was like something we just didn't do. Like hell yeah.

1:32:20 I grew up, man. Like I I didn't know any of us that that hiked. I never even heard of that. Like I thought it was like I correlated hiking with camping and I always knew like I don't like camping. Yeah. Like you know [bleep] going out in the woods they kind of Yeah. I'm like [laughter] that that just never was something that was advertised to me growing up. I remember [bleep] I went on to Thatcher to see the stars with some friends and I was like, "Oh man, it's about to be Bears and [bleep] coming out." Yeah, bro. Like you know what I mean? started thinking the worst, man. Like, [laughter] but nobody around me ever talked about it. So, like, I didn't know anything about it, but yo. So, yeah, I went there, bro, and I brought a little joint with me. I don't know what made me think of that, but I ended up finding this spot. I sat there. I just smoked and I'm just just looking out, bro. And I was like, "Yo, this is dope, bro." I'm like, "Yeah, it really clicked that day." I was like, "Wow, I now I understand why people do this." Have you uh have you done any of the uh the high peaks? I've never done a high peak. I've only done I actually went up to Lake Placid this past month and I did White Face Mountain, bro.

1:33:29 I drove up there though. Okay. I never actually hiked White Face. You got to climb that [bleep] I climbed that [bleep] in 20 Oh, bro. That [bleep] is [bleep] beautiful. Yeah, that shit's crazy up there, bro. So, I drove up there and then you walk like the I think it's like 1/4 of a mile or something like that. But um that was the highest I've ever been on. Like 4,800 ft or something like that. That [bleep] was dope, man. Oh my god. White Face is beautiful. That's nice, man. Yeah, man. And yo, that that bro, you got to do that [bleep] You got to hype that [bleep] I told myself next year, probably like in the spring, I want to do I want to start like dabbling with the high peaks. You know what I mean? Just kind of like challenge myself. I'm telling you, bro, you can you bro, you can do it. You can do it. And it's and it it's it's such a [bleep] it's there's so much philosophy Yeah. that comes into play like psychology and philosophy that comes into play when you when you do that [bleep] like it it it it really tests your character especially if you're going by yourself cuz it's so easy to some of these mountains my [bleep] you you start like the first 10 minutes it's it's it's getting it's getting hectic. You show that [bleep] in your thighs. Absolutely.

1:34:38 It's so easy to be like ain't nobody around. It's just you. I could turn around right now real quick. You know what I'm saying? Nobody even know I'm here. You know what I'm saying? This never happens. It's scary, bro. You know what I'm saying? But you know, you keep doing it. You know, it's with character is what you do when nobody's watching. 100%. You You do that [bleep] You don't give up. Nah, that [bleep] is that [bleep] is real, man. Cuz when I the first time I hiked, bro, I think I did uh Giant Giant Mountain. You know what's funny? I just did a sunrise there. I went to Giant Nubble. I It's like It's on It's off of Giant Mountain, but it's like there's like a a pond or a bowl they call it wash bowl or something like that. You can go right to Giant Mountain or you can go left and do Giant Knob. It's only like a mile and a half. Lake [clears throat] Placid Giant Mountain. Yeah, I was just there a couple weeks ago. Did a sunrise hike there. You got Yeah, you you would you would love the high peaks, bro. You can definitely you're definitely built for it. You know what I'm saying? I I I want to get myself I keep telling myself I'm going to get myself back in shape to be able to go out there and and and and do that [bleep] man. Like eventually I will. You know what I'm saying? It's I mean, hey, you can always start small, man. Yeah.

1:35:52 You know, [clears throat] just to get back in the groove. That's a fact. You know, yeah. It's like it's it's just it's so refreshing to see another African-Amean brother that's dead ass that's in tune with nature. Yeah. That [bleep] is so grounding and it is so important for us to remind ourselves how small we are. Yo, that's that's major. That's that's major. We're a speck. When you get out there, bro, you realize like, man, we are a dot on the world. [laughter] Yes. But um no, it's cool, man. I'm glad I discovered it. Um it just kind of just took off and ran with it, you know? It started to just googling places, traveling, just really kind of fell in love with it. It's interesting, but you know, it's something to do, too. Like, as we get older, man, like it gives me a reason to get outside.

1:36:51 Yeah. you know, and I definitely enjoy it for, you know, like I said, I like to I'll bring a little joint with me and just get up top and just sit there, bro. Just kind of almost use it as a tool to smoke, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, it's like you're putting in the work and now you get to to to to enjoy the reward. Yeah. I mean, cuz that's what the that's what the peak is, you know what I mean? You get to really enjoy that view and really sit and absorb all the work you put in to get here. 100%. [clears throat] Yeah, it's uh that's kind of what I like it for, man. It's, you know, kind of use it as a way to get outside and just like there's something about just, you know, smoking and sitting at a waterfall or smoking at the top of a mountain, bro. And just kind of just enhances the vibe that you're already experiencing. You know what I mean? Again, [clears throat] not something I need to do, just something I enjoy to do. You know what I mean? Like, I just enjoy it cuz it's like, man, you take that hit, man, it's like, whoa, that [bleep] just it's it grounds you. You know what I mean?

1:38:01 Let me ask you, you being somebody that's in the that's in the fitness and [bleep] when you smoke, I sure you get them hunchies. Like, do you eat the right things or you [bleep] with junk? Yeah. You know what's funny, man? Like, oh, man, that's a good question. Um I I really don't get into the whole like I I I feel like we doesn't really do that for me. What? Yeah. Like [laughter] Yeah. I I admire that [bleep] cuz I can't say the same. Yeah. [laughter] That [bleep] bro. It was a period where I was getting high every day for like two years straight. And I put on pounds. I was just eating [bleep] bro. I just be at work and I'm just like [bleep] hungry, you know? I was I would work at like a residential. Sure. You know what I mean? So, you know, and I could I can fun I could function on [bleep] So, it was just like [bleep] it. Like, you know, could just go on the fridge and eat whatever. You know what I mean? Could air fry some [bleep] sweet potato fries and then there's some cake here and then there's that and that and that. Oh [bleep] You know, it can get crazy.

1:39:04 Hell yeah. [bleep] get crazy. And that [bleep] tastes a hell of a lot better when you're faded, too. That's true. You know, that [bleep] hit way different. That is so true. True. There have been times where I've had like mac and cheese bites from like chicken's. I think now it's called Joe's Chicken, but I had mac and cheese bites from Chicken Joe's years ago and I was high as [bleep] Them shits were good as hell and I got them when I was sober and they were so blandish. I'm like, "What the [bleep] is this?" That's funny, man. Hell yeah, bro. Like, yeah. You know, that [bleep] hit different. But, you know, it's the the one thing I could say about, you know, being in fitness and and I guess not allowing that to happen is just just being structured, you know what I mean? And having having a like a a regiment that you're not going to deviate from. So like even if you are like so say if I'm at my house, right, and I smoke at night, which that's really the only time I ever do it. Like the only thing in my house is what I'm going to eat anyway. Like for example, like eggs, chicken, rice, beef, whatever. Like even if it's snacking, like I have like trail mix, you know, like a bag of almonds. So it's not like I can't really So you don't have like cookies and [bleep] No. [laughter] So, like that something like that can help not do that cuz it's like if if now if I loaded my pantry with Oreos and cookies and whatever, which hey, I'm not against any of that stuff. But that's how I could kind of control that. You know what I'm saying? Like, so if I am going to smoke, like I know like I got to eat my eggs soon anyway. So, it's like, and it's easy, but it's so easy to order out, too. You know, you think about that like [bleep] You know, they make all the all this [bleep] at at the fingertips. It's crazy now.

1:40:50 You know what I'm saying? You get McDonald's brought to you, you know? Yeah. It's nuts. [bleep] insomnia cookies. Yeah. [bleep] You know what I'm saying, bro? Like, I've been on some fat boy [bleep] for a minute cuz I've fluctuated with weight for so long. Yeah. You know, I uh I actually dabbled in personal training for a period when I was in when I was in Maryland. It wasn't my It wasn't for me ultimately, but you know, I did it. I [bleep] I was like what 5% body fat on a few different occasions in my life. Like I would just get addicted to that rush of fitness and like I want to I'm trying to get to a point where I can do it without becoming addicted to it seven days a week, two hours, you know what I mean? That [bleep] is and it's not it's not sustainable. No, it's not. And I'm like what the [bleep] am I training to to to be to to be in the Olympics? You know what I'm saying? Got to have a good balance. That's what I'm saying. And I just didn't you know I didn't have that. I'm trying to find that. I want to find that. I want to I want to ease into that, too, because I gotta be honest. I mean, I'm definitely considered obese for my height and [bleep] like that. So, I'm like, you know, I'm probably like close to like probably like 220, you know what I'm saying? And I'm only like 5'8, you know what I'm saying? So, that's definitely like obese. I mean, I might be morbidly obese, I don't know.

1:42:07 But, you know, I'm like I got to be mindful. I'm 33 and I fluctuated so much throughout my life, you know what I mean? Ever since high school and [bleep] like that. So, I'm like, I'm getting older and it only gets harder. Yeah. When you're younger, you can take that [bleep] off quick. 100%. You get older, it's more effort. Your body ain't the same. No, it's not. You know what I'm saying? So, I'm like, I got to [bleep] I got to be mindful cuz, you know, you diabetes runs in my family. You know what I mean? you know, hypertension, you know, heart disease, all that [bleep] You know what I'm saying? And I'm like, I'm not really trying to I hope that I don't need that to become what it takes for me to be like, yeah, I need to make this shift. I don't want that to be, you know what I mean? Yeah. And a lot of people wait for that, man. Cuz I I have these stints where I'll like get back into fitness and [bleep] like that, but I then I'll just fall off. I get stressed out. Like, not for nothing, like, bro, like I had a little thing going. I would just do push-ups, sit-ups, squats, and [bleep] just at the crib recently and just go on walks and [bleep] like that. And, you know, I was feeling good. I had myself on a nice little eating routine. But then I just got stressed with, you know, I'm doing a podcast and I'm just like, I'm doing the podcast and I'm just like, I'm so wired in on it. I'm like, you know, this [bleep] need wheels. I got to keep pushing and pushing and pushing. I'm I'm stressing myself out. Next thing I know, you know, let me get some pizza late at night. Sure. You know what I mean? get pizza again the next day. Y been going on Common Grounds and getting this cookies [clears throat] and cream cookie every day for like the last week or so. I got cookie good as hell. You know what I'm [laughter] saying? I mean [bleep] you know? And just, you know what I mean? Just like, you know, [bleep] drinking zero sugar soda, which is probably worse for you than regular soda, but I just I lie to myself like that just make me feel better. I feel

1:43:57 like I'm making a good decision cuz it says zero sugar here, but they they need something to sweeten this and [bleep] You know what I'm saying? You know, you know it. You know, you know there's something in there. Yeah. Like [bleep] that like newbie. But I came back when I came back here in 2020 from uh from out from from Maryland cuz I was out west and then I went to Maryland. Before I came back to Albany in 2020, I was super fit doing yoga, plant-based, all this [bleep] Now it's I just ballooned and [bleep] like, "What the [bleep] happened to you?" You know what I'm saying? It's like depression hits. Yeah. Then you give into these [bleep] urges. Like I said, I had the I had the addiction problem and [bleep] like that. So coming out of that, you know what I mean? This, you know, doing ecstasy and [bleep] let me tell [bleep] right now, stay away from drugs. You know what I mean? Stay stay away from drugs. You know what I'm saying? Cuz you [laughter] you get that high and that come down as a [bleep] Yeah. And you know, you're depressed and you don't even know why. Obviously, it's because I was just doing a bunch of [bleep] ecstasy. You know what I'm saying?

1:45:01 But [clears throat] you know, the moment you don't know why and then you got all these other things at the forefront of your [bleep] mind and then it's just like you finally comfort you. You know, I finally kicked the drugs and alcohol. I need something to fulfill that. You know what I mean? For a while it was sex, you know what I mean? And food and then it just became food. And I'm just like, you know what I mean? Like this [bleep] is only going to get worse. You know what I'm saying? And I look at certain people and I hate to say it like like this because I don't want to like I'm not trying to insult other people. Sure. You know what I'm saying? I'm not I'm not trying to do that, but I'll see certain certain certain individuals and I'm like is that my future? You know what I'm saying? Like you ever heard of this film called The Whale? No. With Brendan Frraasier. It's a good [bleep] movie. He won an Academy Award for that role. Tap in. It's that [bleep] is sad. But he was like this morbidly obese guy. He plays that you know my grandmother was morbidly obese. Like she couldn't even walk on her own. You know what I mean? Like is this is this you know what I mean? [bleep] like can't even leave the house.

1:46:02 You know what I'm saying? Like you know when I was living with my two uncles I love them [bleep] to death bro. Y'all watching this [bleep] like yo no offense but like it was me. You look at me then my one uncle and then my other uncle. It's like it's like a it's like a pattern of progression. You know what I mean? Like it's me and then you got somebody who's bigger and it's somebody who's even bigger. I'm like yo like [bleep] You ever seen like those those those like evolutionary diagrams where you get like where you get like the apes and then it goes into like a human. Absolutely. That's sort of like what I'm trying to describe here. And I'm like [bleep] that [bleep] [laughter] You know what I'm saying? Like I don't want I don't want that. I know they don't like that [bleep] right? You know what I mean? And I'm like I don't want to be having like knee surgeries and Yeah. [bleep] that. You know what I mean? And I ain't going to front like I don't I don't like [sighs and gasps] it. And vanity plays a role too. Like I'm not concerned about I used to be concerned about like how women would perceive me and [bleep] like that. But not for nothing. Like having a dad bot.

1:47:12 actually got more [bleep] than I did when I had when I had a six-pack. So, that [bleep] really didn't matter. But, it's just like the fact that like the the look you get from [bleep] that knew you then that see you now and it's just like, you know what I mean? It's just like I'm like, "Oh god." You know what I mean? I try not to like think about that so much, but you can't help it. Like, you're human. You know what I mean? Absolutely. Excuse me. So, it's something that I that I want to that I I want to do it. I want to do I just want to feel better. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's what it's all about, man. It's just just it's just it's feeling good. It's tough to stay consistent. Like, how the [bleep] do you stay consistent cuz this has been a part of your life for a long time. Yes. How do you how are you able to stay consistent with this [bleep] man? You know what, man? I just developed a love for it. Um, and I think, you know, for me it's like in the gym, like you have to have something to like work towards. You have to have a strong like why like why are you doing this? You know what I mean? Like, [clears throat] and we can all say like, you know, it's good for your health, it's good for this, but like sometimes that's not even enough. That's a fact.

1:48:26 You know what I'm saying? like you know that can get you in the door, but you got to have something that's like driving you to to to continue to show up for yourself. You know what I mean? So like for me like consistency just just knowing like I'm at a place now like yo we have to move our bodies. You know what I'm saying? Like we strength training is like like we have to do it. Like we kind of like need to do it. like you like you mentioned like you don't want to get to a point where the doctor's telling you like hey like you this is what you need to do in order for you to get in the gym like they're always going to recommend strength training whether you're 60 years old 50 years old like if you're in the doctor and something happens like they're always going to tell you you need to exercise it's like the first thing they always say and so it's like just knowing that like we got to do it you know as much as we don't want to as much as we don't feel like it like yo we got got to move our bodies, you know what I mean? We got to stay active. We got to do it cuz like the second we don't nothing really comes from that in a positive way. So like, you know, for me [clears throat] and and even now just like you're showing up for other people, you know, you're showing up to just be an example, you know what I mean? You're showing up to obviously work out for yourself and and and push yourself and, you know, become stronger, you know what I mean?

1:49:52 like but you're also showing other people like yo you could do this too kind of thing. So that's like kind of my thing like you know if I don't show up then it's like I'm also showing other people that you know you don't have to you don't have to right you know what I'm saying like [clears throat] so I just try my best to show up for myself you know stay consistent I know it's not easy I know it's hard but I think having a strong why why you're in the gym why you're doing [clears throat] can keep you there. You know what I mean? Like motivation fades quick. Discipline is something that will keep you around and and discipline is something that discipline [clears throat] is something that kind of was instilled in me like at a young age like playing football. Like I started lifting weights at 14. So like it's been in me since 8th grade and um you know I learned a lot you know football my coaches stuff like that just being disciplined you know starting what you or finish what you're starting kind of thing and just um that's kind of where that like that kind of started just just being disciplined cuz [clears throat] that's what it is like everybody can start like you said you know it's it's it's hard to it's hard to stay consistent that's where people I think that's where people fall off. It's just [snorts] they don't have the discipline to keep going.

1:51:20 How does motivation be because it it starts as motivation. Sure. How does motivation become discipline? You know what? I don't know if motivation ever becomes discipline because motivation is like like you could watch a video of mine and that can motivate you to get in the gym. You know what I'm saying? But I I I don't know if that that video will ever transition into you being disciplined. You know what I'm saying? Cuz like it can get you in the door. But I think discipline is what keeps you there. You know what I'm saying? Like so I don't know if motivation becomes discipline. But I think discipline comes from self. You know what I mean? Because we can all be motivated. We can all see something on YouTube and see a commercial and be like, "Oh, I want to do that." But like the discipline is like the discipline is like how you actually become that. You know what I mean? Like if you want to lose weight like you could see somebody on Instagram a body that you admire and you can be motivated but the discipline is eating those meals every day to get to that point. You know what I'm saying? Like [cough] so I don't know if motivation ever becomes discipline. I think discipline really just becomes from you actually really wanting what is what you say you want. You know what I mean? Like what you say you really want to do and just doing what it takes to get to where you want to get to regardless of how you feel. Because I think discipline that that that's discipline. It's doing what you need to do even when you don't feel like doing it. You know what I'm saying?

1:52:51 Motivation is just like, you know, oh, I want to do this. I want to become a millionaire. I want to lose weight. Like, but it's like, how do you do that? You know what I I think the discipline part is [clears throat] what actually bridges the gap between motivation and the results that you're looking for. [clears throat] But yeah, I think that's the best way I could explain that. From there, let me ask you, um, what has a personal triumph taught you about yourself that hardship couldn't? [snorts] M personal triumph. Can you break that down for me in a different way? Yeah. Um I mean [bleep] in simple as terms. I mean I what is struggle builds character. Yes. What has what has success given you that struggle couldn't? Like you learned so like I'm sure the the the situation with your man's with Ruben.

1:53:56 Sure. That lesson that was like a profound lesson. Yeah. Has there been any successful moment in your life that gave you something on that level or greater? I don't think so. That's what I'm saying. You know what I mean? No, I don't think so. Um, you know, I think every accomplishment is great, but I don't I don't think you learn as much on the success side as you do when you're going through the ups and downs. You know what I mean? Like I think when you're going through the tough times is when you learn your your biggest lessons. And you know, that's why they kind of always say like, you know, and and Jordan and I have talked about this like in the morning, but like you can't always focus on the end result. You know what I'm saying? Like the journey I'm like big [snorts] on that. Like the like everything is like developed along the way. You know what I'm saying? Like you want to lose 20 pounds, like great.

1:55:00 That's that's the end goal. And and some people can just fixate on that. But they disregard like who you're becoming along the way. I think that's really where the lessons are learned. You know what I'm saying? Like, okay, you lose 20 pounds. Cool. You reached that goal. But where you learned everything is in the process. That's a fact. You know what I'm saying? The process is what really teaches you the things about yourself, your character, you know, who you are. You know, once you reach 20 pounds, it's like, okay, what's next? Like, we're so forward thinking that like, okay, you reach a goal, that's great, but what's next? you know, that doesn't really teach you as much as the struggle is going to teach you. You know, when you want to have pizza, but you know, you need to be eating this. You know what I'm saying? Or like all your friends are going out to the bar, but you know, you really can't be doing that. So, you got, you know what I'm saying? Like, that's where you really your your character gets tested. When you reach the goal, you reach that goal because you passed all those tests along the way. You know what I'm saying?

1:56:06 So, I don't think su I don't think there's a success that [clears throat] can top what you're going to learn um through tough times. Fair enough. You know, fair enough. Hopefully that makes sense. Hell yeah, it do. [laughter] What do you find yourself confronting when solitude leaves you with no one to perform for? [snorts] Um, and solitude leaves me with nothing or no one to perform for you know. Say that one more time. What do you find yourself confronting when solitude leaves you with no one to perform for? Like no one to show up for. Mhm. You know, at the end of the day, man, like I am always just showing up for me at the end of the day. Like I have to show up to be like the best version of myself. You know what I'm saying? Like as much as we want to um show up for others, like you know, when I'm when I'm out on a hike, let's say, by myself or just taking a drive by myself, like it's always self-reflection. You know, I never really reflect on like how I can show up for this person. Like because I know if I could if I show up for me, that's going to help me show up for someone else. And if I don't show up for me, how am I supposed to show up for somebody else kind of thing? So like my thing is like if I could if I could take care of me, I could take care of other people. But I got to take care of me first. You know what I'm saying? Like that's just me personally. Like I I try

1:57:56 to just really show up for myself so I can show up for other people. But if there's no one to show up for, then it's like I'm always just confronted with like how can I show up for me? How can I be a better version of myself? How can I enhance myself? Like how can I take myself to the next level? You know what I'm saying? And I know if I do that, I'll be able to help other people along the way. You know what I'm saying? going back to like, you know, educate, elevate, empower. That's kind of like where that comes from. You know what I'm saying? [clears throat] To break that down. Yeah. What part of yourself are you still learning to accept without trying to improve it? Without trying to improve it. Um, you know what? Damn. I I was going to say like that I'm enough. You know what I'm saying?

1:59:02 Cuz then like without trying to improve, like I'm always trying to improve myself. So, it's like kind of can't go that route. Um, damn, that's a good question. One more time. What part of yourself are you still learning to accept without trying to improve it? Damn. Something I'm not trying to improve that still learning about myself. something that you just that you just admitted like I can't change it. It's just who I am. Like for me it's not taking things personal. Like it's just that's just who I am. You know what I'm saying? You know, and I can like I can definitely I definitely don't have to react in petty ways. You know what I'm saying? I don't always have to react on thoughts that come along with it, but I'm going to take things personal.

2:00:04 That's just my That's just my makeup. You know what I I think I did hear you say that with Jordan. Mhm. Yeah. Yeah. [cough] Um, you know what, man? Something about me that's probably not going to change is just like um mindset, just being positive, staying positive. seeing the positive in bad situations. Um, but also being realistic and just, you know, [snorts] accepting things for what they are. But, you know, I'm not really trying to improve like how I view things. Like, it's that that's just I'm always going to see like some kind of positive in the negative. Um, and you know, that's just something I'm always going to stand on, man. Like, that's just that's just who I am, you know, to the core, man. Like, I'm just going to be the positive guy in the room.

2:01:21 I love that. [laughter] as cliche as it may sound, but like people that know me like know that like I'm just and and I don't mean positive like you know I'm very realistic as well. You know what I'm saying? I'm not like but you know I'm always able to kind of see like the good in tough situations and be able to kind of learn and just like that's just going to be me. if that makes sense. Yeah, absolutely. Man, my last question to you on a wrap up, my friend, how is your understanding of what makes a meaningful life shaping the man you're becoming? You know, a meaningful life to me is like how many people can you impact along the way? Yeah. you know, um, you know, in my bio on Instagram, I I put driven by impact. Yeah. Yeah.

2:02:26 You know, and that's something that really, um, is meaningful to me cuz like, you know, a [clears throat] lot of people talk about legacy. And, you know, my barber told me this one time and, uh, legacy is not all about having a bunch of kids. And no disrespect to anybody that perceives legacy that way, but it was it was very refreshing to hear that because I think as society we all hear like, oh, we think legacy is like passing on passing things down to maybe your kids or the next generation. [clears throat] And that was a cool perspective because there's other forms of legacy. You know what I'm saying? Like, so just going back to that, it's almost like the way society puts it is like passing things down, but if you don't have kids, that's almost saying like you can't have a legacy. But if so, if you don't have kids, what's your legacy? So my like when I my perspective on that is just like how many people can you touch along the way in a positive way, you know what I mean? why you're here, you know, cuz I think that's how you're remembered, you know, at the end of the day when when we're long gone, people always say like, "Yo, Brad was a great dude. He took care of his community. He always gave back.

2:03:48 He was always kind. He was always nice." No one cares about how much money you had or how many properties you owned or what kind of car you drove. Like, nobody talks about that because no one cares about that. But your legacy is always going to be [clears throat] how you treated people. So like a meaningful life for me when I say driven by impact like even as a personal trainer just as a human being like I'm pouring into people in a positive way whether it be the quote of the day in the morning whether it be just um you know taking care of their body trusting them with their um trusting them or them trusting me with their with their bodies and you know just sharing my education, sharing my knowledge to them and empowering them to be better human beings. So like [clears throat] if I can impact somebody in a positive way like that's a meaningful life for me. You know what I mean? That's that's who I'm focused on focusing on becoming as an individual. just again taking care of myself so I can you know share with others like my whole saying educate elevate empower [clears throat] I feel like we're all doing this in a in a certain way or I think this is kind of what we should be doing but like education we're all educating ourselves whether it be social media whether it be YouTube whether it be reading books whether it be podcasts whatever your form of self-arning is, you know what I'm saying? But we're all here to learn.

2:05:23 We're all here to educate. But I think information is meant to be shared. You know what I'm saying? So what you do with that information is powerful. Like, so if you can educate yourself and then you use that information to elevate yourself or share with others to elevate them, [cough and clears throat] they can take that information and that can empower them to be whoever it is that they're trying to be or empower yourself to be whoever it is that you're trying to become kind of thing. So that's just my whole philosophy of like who I'm trying to become and what a meaningful life means to me. That's what's up, man. Do I really appreciate you, man? Man, likewise, brother. I hear dropping gem. [laughter] My god. N this was this this was beautiful, bro. Great conversation, man. No, absolutely. I appreciate you. And you're getting up early in the morning to go to the gym. I'll be at like 6:30. I'll be up. Jesus [bleep] Christ, man. God damn, bro. [laughter] I really appreciate you giving me this time, man.

2:06:28 Oh, man. Thanks for having me, brother. Hell yeah, man. A