Beyond the Versions of Me

0:05 Yo yo, this is BradQuan, host of the Weirdinary podcast and recently I was asked what my favorite restaurant is and without a doubt I said Son of Egg, located at 483 Broadway in Renle, New York. Why Son of Egg? Because every time I step foot in this establishment, I instantly feel a celebration of community, creativity, intellectualism, and humanity. And I mean, it goes without saying, but I'm gonna say it anyway. The food is spectacular. Now, why is this spectacular, you ask? Well, my god. Because whenever I bite into it, I feel like I'm at home. Tappiness on a bay. 483 Broadway, New York. You want to eat? Eat with the best.

1:16 All right. All right. Yo yo. Welcome to another episode of Weirdinary. I'm your host, BradQuan. And today I have a very, very special guest. She was born in Amsterdam, New York, and raised by a single mother. She is a graduate of Amsterdam High School and studied early childhood education at Sunni Skenctity County Community College. She has lived in New York, Florida, as well as California. She co-founded CBD lifestyle brand Cana Pride with her wife Tara. She is the co-founder of Alchemy Wellness Shop here in downtown Skodcity, New York. She is a Raiki practitioner and sound therapist with interests in philosophy as well as astrology. She has been hosting wellness gatherings and bringing people together since 2019.

2:18 I am blessed to be here in her business, uh, the Alchemy Wellness Shop. Uh, what's the address here? 17 South Church Street. And, uh, Skctity, New York. Whoop. And it is just it's an honor to be able to uh to sit here and uh, and and and pick her brain. I recently did a Reiki session with her and and might I said I might I let me just say I I I felt absolutely reborn after the fact. Uh it's it's it's a privilege to be able to to be able to share space with her and uh and just and just get to know her on a deeper level. Ladies and gentlemen, Kayla Caruso, better known as Kareema, my friend. How are you? I am well. [laughter] Absolutely. Yes. Yes. I see what you're doing and I love that you're sharing people's stories and how powerful that is and so I am grateful and thankful that you want to share mine. So, thank you. Rock and roll. Absolutely.

3:20 [clears throat] That said, my first question from you, my first question for you, uh, growing up in Amsterdam, being raised by a single mother, um, what did you learn to carry then that you now believe was too heavy for a child? Um, more responsibilities I feel like in a sense. um when she's working a lot, you know, you learn to navigate um of what like maybe you should what you should do like what an adult would do or sometimes I would actually go with her to her extra third job that she was in like whether it was cleaning a house or taking care of somebody. So, I got to actually get some hands-on experience as an adult life would be. Um, damn. Um, yeah, she's a hard she's she is a hardworking woman and um she's very like she's been my inspiration and like I'm literally she's the reason I'm here and and I you know I know all mothers can say that but like at the end of the day like she had cervical cancer um and she had half of her cervix removed and then she got pregnant with me.

4:46 Oh wow. And the doctors were like, "Um, this is risky. You probably shouldn't have it. Like something could happen to her or something could happen to you." And she's like, "No." You know, "Oh, she can have Down syndrome." No. So, because of her strength, I'm here today. Damn. That's what's up. You say more responsibilities. Let me ask you, were you the only child? I'm the youngest out of five. on my mom's side, [laughter] then on the youngest out of three on my dad's side, but I was raised with my mother. Um, and so she calls us her first batch and her second batch cuz she had my oldest brother when she was 16 and then she had me at 36. Oh wow. So we're 20 years apart. So me and my older sister, that's three three years apart. We grew up together like in the same household. So it was me and her like she had extra responsibility too because she had to like look after her younger sister that was sometimes a little annoying. I know I could be but [laughter] I I know I can be you know I'm the only child so that comes with extra [bleep] Um, so you know, generally usually the way everybody hears about it, the youngest child is the one that gets away with the most is is, you know, is the baby has the least responsibilities, but you said there was more responsibilities. Can you like really highlight your role being the youngest and still having weight to carry? Like [snorts]

6:28 um I would say I was definitely spoiled. So I I could definitely say my mom was like I was spoiled in the fact that my mom could do like whatever she could for us, you know, um whether it was financially or just um presence-wise like um she was very like attentive and nurturing. Um but then you know growing up like I like when I was younger I guess I before seven I didn't have as much responsibility but like as I got towards a teenager um say like for instance when I was 13 like my grandmother had brain cancer and we took her in. We lived in Florida at the time and um so that that's when I think my responsibilities even more got heightened um because I had to help take care of my grandmother as well. Um yeah, you understood the weight of reality or early on it sounds like. Um I mean how did that impact your perception as a child? You know what I mean? How did you view life around you having seen having been presented with adversity so early on?

7:44 Um, I thought it was normal. I I thought this was like something that a lot of people face and experienced. I think it wasn't until maybe 20 in the 2000s like 2015 2016 um that I started to see that like certain things like oh this is not normal for everybody like not everybody has experiences what you experience. Um, yeah. It's not necessarily a bad thing, though. I feel because like a lot of the times, especially when you're sheltered and whatnot and you grow up and you're out of the safety net, a lot of people get rocked by the density of reality. They don't know how to they can't move within it. You know what I mean? But I think in your case, I mean, it's it's honestly a blessing to have been exposed to that and to view that as as normal because when [bleep] hits you in life later on, which it will inevitably do, so you know what I mean? You know how to you know how to tackle it. You're ready for the challenge. You know what I'm saying? Um exactly. Moving a lot um every few years um helped me adapt to change. Um, I was very shy and very timid and like, you know, I would like my mom introduced me to somebody and I'd hide behind her. Um, so to go through different schools and meeting being the new girl many times in my life, it was a challenge, but it it made me who I am today. And um I'm very thankful that I can because then I can adapt more than somebody that never had to face so much changes in their life.

9:28 Explain to me the the experience of being the new girl, the constant moves cuz that's like I feel like you don't do you not want to get do you make it so that you don't really get close to people because you don't know how long you're going to stay? Like what's what's the psychology like within that experience? I feel like that can come up for sure. Um, as like there's this resistance, this wall of like if I get too close, um, you know, will I lose them, right? It's kind of reminds me of abandonment r abandonment wound. Um, and I think sometimes that was the case for me. Um, especially me like getting to know somebody like then I finally open up and then they're gone. Like um that was like a fear of mine, but I started to do it anyway. Um because I just love people and I love, you know, connecting with people. Um so I kind of pushed through that even though it definitely was a moment that it was like that for me.

10:35 Yeah. It's like what's the you can only imagine the the the anxiety going into like a new going into like a new school. You know what I mean? I' I've never experienced that before. You know what I mean? I always wondered like what that felt like. Like you think to yourself like how are people going to perceive me? Like what if I don't fit in? Like what's your mind like then when you're coming into like this entirely new pool essentially of fish? Yeah. You know, like what what what's what did that feel like for for young for young you? Um it felt Yeah. very anxiety like driven. Um I would like get nervous. I do like they called me um my one best friend in in high school ended up calling me twinkle fingers cuz I'd be like always like moving my fingers like that. And then when I was younger I'd be like going like this under the desk or something like that. And then I turned it into a dance. So now if you see me doing it like you know it could be still something stemming from before but always fidgeting. Yeah.

11:42 Yeah. Um but it was like growing up I noticed that I would walk into a room and not knowing then that I could feel people's energy and I was very sensitive to it. And so I was like what did they want me to show up as? what did they what version of Kayla did they want and so I tried to do that and I went through a long phase of people pleasing. Yeah, I can definitely understand that. All that said, what did you need someone to understand most about you as a child? Um, I would say that my sensitivity, you know, wasn't should have been seen as a strength. Um, versus like, you know, a weakness of mine. Um because I was, you know, like growing up, you know, certain people be like, "Oh, you're a crybaby." or something. So I learned to suppress my emotions and then it would build up build up and then I just explode. And then they would see this side of me that are like, "Oh, wait. Where's that kind? Where's that?" And then it was like, "She's been holding back." No. No. It's like that that shadow, that ugly version of myself that I don't even like comes through.

13:19 [laughter] I like you said shadow. Yeah, we're getting into Carl Young early. That's what's up. Yes. Yes. Um, let me ask, you said, so you were raised by your mother, uh, and you said you had siblings on your father's side as well. Yes. Can you describe your your relationship, uh, with your father? Um, my father, I seen him a few times a year. Um, he lived in, you know, he still does, um, in Amsterdam. Um, he, uh, I definitely have like a thing that I'm clearing, you know, abandonment, you know, cuz like I wanted growing up, I wanted that dad like, oh, every weekend or something. Um, but that wasn't the case. And as I'm older now, I can see like, okay, he just didn't have that capacity to be there for me like I felt like I needed at that time. Um, but you know, he did show me, you know, to save money and to like he taught me how to like, you know, just he was a provider and in in the in the monetary world, right? Um, so he did show up in that way for me. Um, and I'm thankful that what I've learned from him in that aspect. Um, hard work, you know.

14:45 Yeah. [laughter] So, your mother was like the grinder and your father really taught you how to pro how to save assets in order to in order to fund the the the the grind, the hard work or whatever, right? Like is that kind of the a good way to say it? Well, he just always had like the emergency like you know save for a rainy day type of thing. You know, money doesn't grow on trees. All those mindsets when I was working on my root chakra. It was like what are the beliefs that your parents taught you? And I was just like okay well my dad taught me like okay make sure you save you know you money's doesn't grow on trees. And then my mother's like, "Okay, um, you know, we have limited money, so, "Oh, this is on sale for a dollar. Let's get five of them." [laughter and gasps] And it was like, "Okay, okay. Because it's cheaper, let's get more." So, it's like I I was taught two different things and it's made up who I am today. The shopper. I would say if I had an addiction, that's shopping is my addiction. [laughter] Um, well, you look for sales.

15:56 Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. for sale. [laughter] I mean, I can definitely understand the need to load up when it's on sale. I mean, if you if something's like a dollar, that's usually six bucks. I mean, and it's something you need, I can understand. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. In some cases definitely u makes sense to do it and in others obviously it's just not so much. Yeah. But yeah, my dad was always he worked in the same place for like I don't even know like I should have confirmed with him 20 or 30 years um at the hospital maintenance. So he's like was just like showed that steady job, steady income um and yeah that I should save. So So he had the steady So he had the steady job. How And you said so he had the one job. Yes. Yeah. Whereas your mom had the three Jesus. And it rotated. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Wow. That is that is that is so that's so interesting to me, I guess. How did your so your mother balancing all those jobs and raising kids? I mean, what does that do for your how does that form your perception of what it means to be a Hum in America?

17:15 Um that the resilience Yeah. Yeah. Fair enough. You never allowed your you never allowed yourself to be to be a secondass citizen to be held down in any way. You know what I mean? Fair enough. During adolescence, what parts of yourself felt safest to keep hidden? H I think um the overly um emotional side. The overly emotional side, how did that tell me how that when it did come out, you know what I mean? like what problems did it cause for you like in school or in relationships or whatnot? You know what I mean? Like what made you feel that like this is something that I really cannot show?

18:18 Mhm. And and when I say overly emotions sometimes it's not just like sadness, it's not just pain. It could be joy too. Like I actually suppress some of joy because like sometimes it could be too much for people as well. and I didn't want to be that too much person. Now, as I grow up, that poem too much woman really stands out to me. So, um for me it was just it showed up in um just showing up to certain people like that I felt really comfortable with. Um it it came through in those ways um where I had like small group of friends and I felt comfortable and then I could fully express certain emotions. Um but to most people they they didn't see parts of me um only what I chose to show them. Understood. Mhm.

19:17 as you as you grew older, what did you hope leaving home would change within you? Um, I think I had a little bit of codependence on my mom. Um, because she was like the one that, you know, still is to this day. um it was just like anything I need you know like she'll be there like show up and um so it was like finding my independence was a big thing for me like having my own place and you know going to school and working and doing all things to show like I felt like I had to prove in a way because the school system you know put me on the IEP, which is the individual education plan. And so, like, I had two teachers and I had smaller classes and I had more times on test.

20:21 And because I didn't like, you know, I didn't process information as quickly as what they consider to be normal, right? So, I might have to do it five times instead of one time. Um, so it was kind of like breaking my stigmas of like what they were trying to put me in this box and I was like, "No, I'm not going to do that." [laughter and gasps] Um, so I literally was like, "Okay." I ended up, you know, graduating high school, going to college. They said, "Oh, you know, you'd be really struggling in college." And then, you know, I didn't end up finishing college, but I did make the president's list one month and I was just like, "Woo!" [laughter] [gasps] I don't know. Yeah. Let me ask you, you think the education system for you, your experience, do you feel like it taught you to be a a free thinker or do you felt like it taught you to fall in line? I think what it wanted from me and what I took away was two different things. So I feel like it wanted me to fall in line and then but there was something within me that always kind of resisted it.

21:38 Mhm. What do you think that stems from? I think I knew part of me deep down knew it wasn't [snorts] it wasn't the best system for us to be stuck in a chair for hours and be fed like not good foods and wonder why these kids you know can't sit down or like you know I think it wasn't when I started working at the early learning childhood education when I was in college um I got to see the monastery. And I love that layout because it gives the kids opportunities to go into the zones where they can learn what's calling them, right? Oh, you want to build something? Oh, you want to make a garden, you know? And I think those are more um susceptible for to build you up to adulthood. Um versus what I've learned from school. I feel like I only took only like a little bit maybe social aspect um or certain certain nuggets I think that actually helped me in my adulthood.

22:46 Understood. Mhm. What made you want to uh study early childhood development? My mom was a teacher assistant um and I enjoyed being with kids. Um, I feel like I can understand them a lot. I grew up and I literally have so many nieces and nephews. I got like 18 on one side on my mother's side and then I have I don't like a handful on the other side. So, it's um I literally joke I'm like I didn't have to have babies when I was like little cuz at one years old I was already an aunt. [laughter] So I um I was constantly like you know my older siblings were like here give give you the baby you know because they knew I would just be like you know I just it was instinct really so I just continued to learn and it just gave me that education but I feel like the hands-on experience is always like the depth but you know the education was very insightful too. Yeah.

23:51 Okay. I want to uh I want to peel a little deeper into your uh emotional development um a bit. Uh your wife Tara, when did you guys meet? We met in 2013 at college. Um she was we actually had the same math class. I was going for um teaching and she was going for culinary. Um, and I was in a relationship at the time. She was too. And I, my mind wasn't even there. Um, and then 3 years later, we met up. And then 2015 until now, we're still together. [laughter] Yeah. Let me ask you your journey. When did you when did you realize that you were that that you were different in that regard? That you were gay? like when did that when was that clear to you?

24:57 Um, so I don't like to labels. [laughter] Fair enough. Hope did that offend you? No. No. No. Fair enough. No, [laughter] you're good. Um, so when I was like 15 or maybe 14, I realized that I had um there was a girl that I had as a friend and I realized I was getting jealous emotions and I'm like, why is this happening? And so that was like a first sign of like, oh, maybe you're attracted to females. Um, and then in when I was 16 years old, I had um, you know, that was in Florida. I lived there from like 10 to 16 and then I moved back um, to Amsterdam. Um, and then I had my first girlfriend and then yeah, and that journey began. It was funny because like um, my one sister on my dad's side was like to my dad, "Oh, you know Kayla has a girlfriend." And he's like, "You should talk to her. you should talk to her. Like [laughter] it was like, you know, so but my mom was like, you know, I found out that my mom had a girlfriend before my dad before I was like, "Oh, [laughter] okay." So like things um and that's what I wanted to know like I guess because I I I mean in in in essentially in any household that can be viewed as problematic depending on uh the upbringing of the of the parents.

26:22 But I just wanted to know like you being uh are you you're are you Hispanic? Are you black? Like what? I am Puerto Rican. All right. Um New York Rican. Maybe you can say. Okay. Okay. Cuz I didn't want to just assume one thing. No. No. Um, so my great-grandmother came from Puerto Rico and then um made her way to New York City and um you know my mom was born in Manhattan and then my grandmother moved up to work in the factories in Amsterdam and then that's how my family started migrating to Amsterdam. Okay. Um but you know Puerto Rican itself is like a mix, right? You got European, African. So it's like I am everything. Okay. Okay. Fair enough. So just so yeah, just being so just being a person of color, like it can be hard to to embrace your wholeness, you know what I mean, within and just your wholeness and just being different in that regard, you know what I mean? Like you said, you don't like to put labels on it because you don't like to box yourself. Like from where does like from where does that mentality come? I always wanted to I always wanted to I I don't know why I never asked anybody that question before.

27:42 Like what makes you like I I don't do labels. Like what what makes you say that? Um because I feel like we're multiaceted beings. Um and you know there's so much expansion and growth that we go through that for us to be like this is what it is. It's like it limits it I feel like in a sense when we're should be like open and unlimited. So it really wasn't you really didn't like it wasn't a struggle for you to come into your sense of wholeness was it? It still was you know like um growing up I I um was like the mediator in my family I would say and I tried to like bring the peace among the chaos and um but then in that like I wasn't my true self like and sometimes there was judgment on my part like what like why I think cuz I see I've always seen people's highest self and so like when I felt like you know they weren't in that alignment then it was like oh well I see it like let me point it out and it was like Okay, that doesn't come from the true being of myself. My wholeness doesn't see that person. I see the potential. I see the love.

29:15 And so in my wholeness, I do not judge. But in in my humanness, I do. Wholeness and humanness. Okay. So wholeness and humanness are two different things maybe. [laughter] Okay. So, no, I just uh that's it's just it's funny because I remembered speaking to a friend of mine um and uh he told me cuz he came out as uh he came out as bisexual 20 I don't remember the year, but he was telling me like he was like some people's closets are like really spacious where they can be comfortable despite the fact that they haven't been able to come out yet. Whereas you get some people their closets are like so cramped. It's just so you know what I mean? It's just like so just the really uncomfortable like they can't move. They're just constantly anxious and whatnot. Like what would you say yours was before you were able to embrace who you were?

30:26 So when you say embrace who I am, right? I feel like that's just an aspect. It's not doesn't define me as a person. I feel like okay I feel like who you choose to love or to be intimate with doesn't define the person itself. And so I think it's deeper than that. It didn't it was a part of me that I was like okay maybe my closet was like comfortable and I was just open and I was just like looking and being the observer and like seeing that certain emotions were coming up. Okay. And then I embrace that part like a part of me. But yeah, I like that. Okay. And it's important that I understand it in that way because there's only I think I think I've seen the way I've heard people like describe it like it's it's almost like it becomes their identity, right? But I never allowed myself to dig deeper. So, I really like the way you put that and it really explains more as to why you view as to why you don't like labels. You know what I mean?

31:38 That's what's up. Okay. So, all that taken in. Um, what is building a life and business with with your wife Tara revealed about the ways you protect yourself from being hurt? It's a good one. Um, I feel like when you build your business with your partner, it's like um like in relationships in general, right? We we marry each other. We, you know, trigger each other in a sense. We um teach each other, right? and we show each other like the parts of ourselves that are like, you know, amazing to embrace and the parts of ourselves that we want to hide, right? So, it always comes up. So, being in a business with tarot is like, okay, well, we're choosing, let's do this. we're building something together like um but then it can be like I don't know a dependence could be created that could you know it's like you can maybe put more pressure on the other person or vice versa and I feel like so one way is like maybe I'll be like okay if we had like um a situation we've had a few situations in our so we've been in business since like 2018 or 2017 we had the deli cru was deli in catering and troy in New York um so we started off with that um and it was the first time you know that we we started our journey together but then we went to

33:25 California and then we started the CBD company so it was kind of like sometimes when we face other people I feel like in when we're in business I feel like sometimes I'm like okay Tara you handle because I don't want to deal with that. [laughter] Like, you know, we've had people like um um you know, try and say like say we were doing a project together and it was going to be part of the line that we had for Canide and then they were like, "Oh, well, they're going around saying we got 50% of the company." and and it was like okay so we had people like you know I feel like we've witnessed a lot of betrayals wi within our business um but I going going back to like my chart for a moment um please please please in my chart um Saturn which is you know challenges and discipline is in the house of relationships so I think my whole life like I've um had more like to face more things in relationships um maybe than some people but then I also in business I've met so many people like I you know I interact people I try and collaborate and things go wrong and it's like sometimes I want to like hide and protect myself in that way um and and I think terrorism too too sometimes I have to be the one that like okay you know this isn't right I have to step and be like the protect protector and like you know what she's like you know so we play on each other of like okay you need the protect thing right now or do I need it and so it's like this back and forth thing oh wow [laughter] I know I kind of went all over the place

35:16 no it's fine it's fine first off it's fine to go on tangents that's what I don't know one philosopher that hasn't [laughter] gone on tangents you know what I mean so no it's fine I want you to be comfortable in that regard please uh also I think It's I think it's good that you guys you guys communicate well with each other, which is a beautiful thing, which a lot of relationships don't. And I think I mean it's funny because when you're in a when you're in a business with a significant other there there there has to be a sense of of of of structure within within the way you guys deal with conflict, you know, and I feel like that also bleeds into your personal life as well. But I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. You know what I mean? I feel like if most I feel like if more people if more people added a professional sense of structure to their emotional lives, it would it would make them value these things more. Like this [bleep] has to be talked about. We can't just sweep this under the you know what I mean?

36:24 Like it has to be dealt with in a way that's mature. I can't just crash out. You know what I'm saying? Like you know what I mean? Let me ask you how people you know disagreements happen. I mean how when you have a when you guys have a disagreement in your personal life, how or when you have one in business, how does that impact the other? You know what I mean? Like I'm saying like you have a disagreement in your personal life. Does that a does that has that ever affected your business relationship? And if you've had a disagreement in your business relationship, has that ever affected your personal relationship? Like I mean like has that has that ever been an experience for you guys? Oh yeah. Yeah. How do you how do you like I mean obviously you manage to maneuver being that you guys are still in business, but like how do you tackle that? Um I think when we come back to like what are we doing? Why are we doing it? Um then the argument doesn't matter. Um it gets that space of like okay I'm better sometimes at like um kind of separating the two. Um because when I'm going into service with somebody else like my stuff like I I can handle that later in a sense. Um, so you know these things come up and sometimes you know we have to be like okay well if this is really affecting and we're not in a good space like say it was personal then maybe we can't really show up right now and we have to honor that. So sometimes you have to honor like sometimes you can't show up the way you want to and that's okay.

38:15 You can't show up the way you want to. like what what what does that look like? So, say um there's moments of like you know, you're just not in the right mind space or you're not in um yeah, I think it's more like you're not in that space. So, like I'm we have alchemy. Alchemy is all about tools for transformation and it's like showing up in service. It's what we do. Like how can we be here through the products, through the services, through the conversations like so if I can't handle my own [bleep] [laughter] Sorry. You can curve. It's um then maybe I need to take a day. And so it's like honoring when you have those moments. Um and then but sometimes you know you still got to show up and and sometimes that happens too but it's like you know learning to navigate like when is it like is it okay to still show up even though I'm not 100% in my like divine channel [laughter] [gasps] I'd imagine getting I imagine getting cursed out by somebody at an alchemy job [laughter] [bleep] you know. But listen, I've been in customer service. That shit's not easy.

39:40 I've crashed out on a few people. You know what I mean? I was in sales, you know? Not that it's okay, but [laughter] you know, here, if I was working here and I crashed out on a [laughter] like, what the [bleep] is going on? You know what I'm saying? So no, I [laughter] completely understand the Well, I completely understand the the the the approach there, but it's also sometimes, you know, like I'll show up anyway sometimes and I'll just give tough love. Okay. sometimes like I'm a big person that like if you are in my circle and you are like I you're going to experience the side of me like it's it's not the other side I want to say but it's like the full part of me so it's like okay yes I am kind I am sweet I am loving I am wise right but then I also am because of that I also am like you know what I'm I'm not gonna sugar sugar coat it you know what I the kind of love that sometimes will bring it bring you forth when you don't want to sometimes when that avoidance comes up.

40:48 So you you're not afraid to have difficult conversations. No. And that's why, you know, I say I'm an alchemist because it's like I know how to transmute it even when it's tough, you know. And I think communication is key. It comes back to every relationship, you know. I like that being somebody that has had to hone your emotions whether they're positive or negative and still val and still valuing communication to the point where you're able to do it in a way that's healthy and sustainable. That says a that says a lot about your ability to selfgovern. You know what I mean? Mhm. I like that because it has not been easy for me at all to develop good interpersonals because I'm still working on that [bleep] You know, that's a process. That's a fact. It's, you know, there there's still ways that I can, you know, um improve and and grow. And I that's why I'm like always like I am the teacher and the student, you know, always.

42:01 Damn. Um, all that said, um, what experience most challenged your understanding of who you were? Um, I would say alchemy. [laughter] Um, so when we finally had this physical space, [snorts] um, it was like, okay, yes, like, let's go. Oh, we got this. Come. But when your intention is to provide tools for transformation and that [snorts] that medicine is for you as well. Yes. And so when alchemy, you know, I say alchemy was being birthed through us and like, you know, through that process, it can be uncomfortable and challenging. And so like having this space really like made us look more within ourselves and like where do we need to still grow and work on?

43:14 Um, and with that challenge, it's like there's moments that, you know, like I was, [laughter] you know, the beginning of this year, I was away for months and, um, that was a challenge. Um, you know, Oh, that was recent. Yes. Oh, [laughter] I assume that was like years ago. No, no, this is um this year. Are you comfortable talking about that? Yeah, we can talk a little bit. Walk me through. Okay. So, the beginning of 2026, you were away. Uh, describe, tell me. Well, the end, well, the end of 2025. End of 2020 to, you know, to to spring of 2026. Um, I was incarcerated um um for cannabis. And that's what I'll say about that part. But um it was uh it was almost 5 months of you know being locked in a room and really facing myself on a on the deepest level I've ever um had to What was your experience like there?

44:22 Like I mean god damn, [laughter and gasps] you know. Okay. Yeah. Like what what was that what was that like? like take me through that as viscerally as you can. Just like the I almost like maybe I'm asking too much, but I almost want to be able to like smell and just like just like just like taste the atmosphere. You know what I'm saying? If you can however deeply you can can take me into that. Um, so I was, you know, didn't think I was in a place I didn't never thought I would ever be in. I I Fair enough. [laughter] Yeah. Yeah. And I think when we when I br it up when uh we talked about it the other day, you were like, "You went to jail. You're so kind." [laughter] And not for nothing though, I got to be honest about it because I made a judgment. I was like, "Yo, she might have whooped somebody's ass or something." [laughter] You know what I'm saying? Because you're so nice and I'm like, "People take advantage of nice people." So I'm like, "She probably just had enough and just said that." You know, cuz I I felt like doing that [bleep] You know what I'm saying? So I was like, "Maybe that's why." But you know, so the fact that you say it's something else. Let me just say my apologies for assuming, [laughter] you know what I mean? But that assumption, listen, I don't think you're nothing to play with. So, I think there's something positive to be said about that [laughter] as well. You know, I wouldn't play with you. You know what I'm saying? So, you know what I mean? Thank you. Absolutely.

45:52 Um, yeah. I think the perception of like nobody like somebody that's kind can't be in that space. um needs to be changed because there is many people that I met that are very beautiful souls and um it was funny before this happened like you know I've been wanting to be like oh let me I want to go somewhere and just meditate and have more silence and like you know go maybe out of the country and and just like you know but sometimes you don't specify how you want it to show up [laughter] and um um so um I kind of went on like a retreat in a sense um in the non-conventual sense of um so the the first five weeks was the hardest because I had no communication with anybody that you know was close to me. Is that even Terra? No. Wow.

47:01 Um Yeah, I was in another country and um [laughter] your face. Yeah, cuz I didn't I Oh, [bleep] [laughter] Now it makes more sense because I was like, see, here's the thing, right? See, here's what I was thinking. I was like, okay, I was like, I know that you can obviously have cannabis in the States, right? But there's a certain amount you can have before it's a problem. I was like maybe she just had maybe she had pounds. I don't know. [laughter] But now it makes sense. Okay. You were in another country. Yeah. What country? If you can if you don't mind. Germany. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. Oh [bleep] So I was alone in another country. [laughter] You don't even speak the [bleep] language? No, I didn't even speak the language. Um so that was another Wow. thing um I had to kind of um navigate. Oh, it's a challenge I had to face while I was there. [bleep] Yo. [laughter] Yo, that [bleep] is crazy.

48:04 Yo, you I mean, yo, like you got to leave with that. [laughter] That [bleep] is crazy. [gasps] So, um I'd be scared as hell if I was another country. Yeah, I did not know what to expect. Um, I remember when I was in court, um, they were like, "Oh, you know, it's, um, you know, you got to wait until you have your your, um, court date, but it could take up to two to six months." And I was like, once they said that, I was like so strong. They were like like, "Oh, you know, you look fine. Like, you're like doing okay." And then once that was like, "Oh, you're going." I was like, broke down. I was like, Holy [bleep] I was like, "Okay, okay." And they were like, "Oh, it's clean though." And I was like, "Okay." [laughter] It's clean. Um, I mean, you didn't like being a person of color in a German jail. What was that? What was that like? Did you deal with any like thing in that? Did you deal with any issues in that regard? Like I mean like what what's how was your what was your acceptance like I guess?

49:17 Um so I was there um not too many guards spoke English. Um I had one luckily that did pretty you know pretty good English. And so I communicated with her and she told me you know there was another American there. So I was like, "Okay, I had somebody to speak English." And that American was like became such a savior for me while I was there. Um, she she didn't she had somebody that was Polish that was there that spoke some English helped her. And so that first week meeting that person um really helped support me in that situation because it was like you had all these forms to fill out. Now I couldn't read it and I didn't understand all the rules that they had. I only knew the basics the whole book. I don't know. So it was like you know that first week was very difficult but it was like you know I was like found out that there was English books and so I wrote an ANTRA what they call Antrak. Um so I wrote that for that. Um, I real learned that, you know, we can get money and so I was like, "Okay, let me sign up for that." You just have to sign up. Um, you can get money. Like, what do you mean? [laughter] You get euros per month.

50:45 How were you working or was it just like a No. No, you could work. Yes. Yes. Eventually, like um Yeah, I could have worked, but um yeah, they were they um Yeah, I was like I was so surprised. I was like, "Whoa, what the?" Like, "That's amazing." I was like, "Oh, they're going to give me some money." Like, you can you can just sign up and just receive money. Yeah. It's about like I think it was like4. Um what's the what's what program is that? Like what I don't know, but it's like, you know, part of their thing, you know, you so you had it to go shopping and um because there was a shopping list you get every month. Um and and um so like very sort of kind of. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like available too. Like if you're working, you don't get it. Okay. You don't get it. Like if somebody sends you money, you don't get it. But I wasn't working and nobody was sending me money. So there's Okay. So no one within a German jail can go without. Like there's always like you you can always have money.

51:52 Yeah. To Wow, that's interesting. Yeah. Okay. I Oh [bleep] it's not like, you know, a lot but you can do something with it and I was very grateful and I was like, you know, I was like, okay, if I'm going to be anywhere, at least I'm here cuz [laughter] like I've heard so many stories like, you know, like growing up my, you know, brothers have been incarcerated, so I've been on the outside. Yeah. Um, so then this is me being in the inside. And so it was like, okay, at least I'm in a space where they kind of like have some type of respect for, you know, people. Um, there's a there's a there's a humanity there. There is a humanity like um and so when I like because of this other person, I got to know all that within the first week. You know, if I didn't have that person, I would I would have missed out on the first shopping. I would have like so many things. So, I'm I'm very grateful for that that person.

52:53 And um what kind of items were you able to get? Um the shopping list was kind of like everything like like um you know products, paper products or like food products. What was the food like there? Cuz when I whenever I see cuz I never been in I never been there but only you know honey buns are like currency from what I hear [laughter] in American prisons and like ramen and [bleep] like that. I mean like what what's the food like in in in a German facility? Um it was actually pretty decent actually. I I will say you know you had one hot meal a day for lunch and um they seasoned it pretty good. So like I was like okay fair enough. Like a lot of people complain about [laughter] the food in prisons but it doesn't sound like it was that well in jails or whatever but it doesn't sound like it was bad. No no it wasn't too bad. So, like I I um can't complain about that part. But yeah, you know, I got to be honest, it doesn't sound like it was that bad of an experience. It wasn't ideal.

53:53 No. Yeah, exactly. So, I I thankfully I'm the type of person that always looks, you know, finds the blessings and everything, right? So, like that first week I broke down. Like I was just like, you know, I was I couldn't sleep. I was like maybe one hour a night. Mhm. Um I was hoping I was wake up and it was all going to be a dream and I was like please let like like let me out like spirit you know like you know um and then by the end of the week I was just like I had to accept that this was my temporary reality and so many you know quotes that like always stuck with me is like this too shall pass. Yeah. Yeah. you know, and um you know, you don't get nothing that you can't handle. And so those things really like, okay, what are you going to like the biggest lesson I think that took me is like when you have nothing, when you have none of my tool, like none of my crystals and none of my bowls and none of my gongs and none of um these things like are you how are you going to show up?

55:01 like are you still going to be able to show up in that way? And so like for me it took me on a deep dive of like I had to use the tools within me, right? My Reiki, my meditation, my breath work, like I had to really embody it. It was like boom when you have nothing like what do you have? Look at that within. And so I chose to really dive deep. And you know, when many people around me were trying to self-medicate, I was sober. I chose to just be fully in it and and all the emotions came up and my music before I, you know, left, it was like a month before I shared my song, um, Truth Within Your Eyes that you heard. Um, and it was like that was the medicine for other people that I thought I was transmission like giving that and then in there that became my medicine of like you know it's okay not to be okay you know feel it to heal it and and so I had to go through my own process of um alchemizing it and transforming and taking taking it Yeah.

56:25 Wow. Damn, man. That's beautiful. That's was really like a transformative experience. You know what I mean? But a lot of our blessings are a lot of blessings really, you know, they're they're hidden in the dark. You know what I'm saying? That's what's up, man. Wow. And it's like it sounds like that it really made you a better human. And therefore, it really like sounds like it seems like it really sharpened your perception and how you handle your personal life as well as business. Like no matter what happens, like you can always maneuver through it, you know what I mean? But you were always able to adapt to change though, you know what I mean? You were always you were always like equipped to handle that, you know? Wow. Yeah, that was definitely tough though because it was just like when I was there it was like that fear came up in that possible reality. It was like I could lose everything I built. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

57:36 And I had to really feel that. How long was it before you could like finally reach out to your family? um your family at Terara um to do phone calls. It was five after five weeks. Yeah. Wow. I had one call to say I'm arrested and then 5 weeks later I got to call and so yeah. [snorts] Jesus. So it was definitely like a challenge over here too. you know, terror experienced, you know, she had to go through her own process with that. And so, like, you know, like, you know, it went from like me being mainly the face at Alchemy and her being here too, but like her just having to be like thrown into like you're going to you're going to have to hold it down [laughter] [gasps] because I can't. And she did, you know, I'm super proud of her. like she she really went in herself on that journey.

58:42 What this is telling me is cuz I want to go I I want to leave the country. This is telling me not to [bleep] around. [laughter] No, you're good. Trust me, you're good. This is the first time I've heard somebody like, you know, go like to like another country and like get like jammed up, you know, involving cannabis. I think Britney Grimer. Oh, yeah. Yeah. She got, you know, where was she at? Do you remember? Was it Russia? Russia. [laughter] I I don't think I that's on my list to visit, but no, it's not. [laughter] You know what I mean? And I can't help but to just like whenever I I think of these places and I just think of like prison in these places, I just think of like just just abrasive oppression, you know what I mean? That's just what I You know what I mean? But I'm just thinking of like of like history and [bleep] you know what I mean? and how that's and how that's presented to us and whatnot. You know what I mean? So I think in America definitely like is worse. Yeah. Yeah. So I was I was Yeah. [laughter] That is so interesting.

59:46 But I think Yeah, definitely travel because it's, you know, don't be afraid to do it. I've traveled to many countries. Um Egypt is one of them. um was one of the you know the second countries I've traveled to and um you know people were worried because it's like you know [sighs] you know what's going to happen like cuz you're near the Middle East you know what I mean being a woman in America is hard I can imagine you know but but it was a beautiful experience and I think you know if you have the right people with you it's like you're good you know fair enough. Mhm. What does becoming Kareema mean to you? Like when did that transformation happened from Kayla Caruso to Kareema? Um about 2 years ago. Okay. I um started to adopt the name. Um but in 2022 is I believe is when I went to um Egypt and that name was given to me.

1:00:55 Was it like a pilgrimage sort of like it was like very random? We were like you know riding you know four-wheelers in the Sahara Desert. Oh, [laughter] so this was like a vacation. Yes. Yeah, I was on vacation. I'm thinking cuz I remember when Malcolm X went to Africa and it was a pilgrimage. You know what I'm saying? So I'm like, maybe was this like some [bleep] spiritual [bleep] but this is was a vacation and this just happened. Okay. [laughter] I mean, that's that's that's [bleep] That's dope. You didn't go there looking for it for anything. It just found you. Wow. Okay. So, you're riding four-wheelers. [laughter] And who So, who Okay, so who gave this name to you? Um, so I don't know if it like was intentional or unintentional. So, we had just stopped the bikes. The sun was setting. It was beautiful. The person who was giving us um guiding us through it um asked me what my name was and I told them Kayla and then they said Kareema.

1:01:55 And [gasps] [laughter] and I was like and I just let it go like okay whatever. And then [laughter] and then I realized I went to the one of the corner stores there and I um got a water and I paid them and they're like oh what's your name? And I said, "Kareema." I literally said it. I don't know. Like unintentionally, it just like came out and I was like, "Okay, it's weird." Um, and then, you know, I started writing a song and I was like, "Uh, Kareema, like," and it was like, you know, talking about, you know, I'm Kareema and I was just like, "Okay." And I'm like, "Okay, this is my name. This is my name." like I didn't choose to adopt it until like a year later or or so. What's the meaning behind it? Um [clears throat] I believe something with a gift. Can you look it up? I I actually forgot. I It's been a while. I think something with a gift. Um it's Arabic. Um so when the guy in Egypt I had said it to him at the store, he's like, "That's an Arabic name." And he looked at me funny and I'm like, "Yep, I know." [laughter] Oh. So, what's it say?

1:03:10 It's [snorts] loading. You know how technology is? Yeah. And we're in Mercury retrograde. So, communication and technology gets affected. Oh, god. Generous or noble? Okay. Which that that really makes that really makes sense. That's really fitting for you. Okay. Wow. person just you just the person asked you your name you say Kayla is Kareema. [laughter] Yeah. Listen, you know and it just suck. I don't know. And so I took that as a sign. I'm like okay. That was the greatest things in our life. Just [bleep] just happens. Yeah. You know that's what's up, man. Oh my god. There was something else I was going to I was going to I was going to act. Okay. How has that how has that shift in your identity transformed you? Like what's the difference between Kayla and Kareema? You know what I mean? Like Yeah. Yeah. What what is that difference?

1:04:22 Um, I feel like Kareema didn't like um is like the alchemist after Kayla went through what she went through. [laughter] Um, [clears throat] Kareema is the Kareema is the paradise birth from the adversity. Mhm. Is that fair to say? Mhm. Understood. Understood. Okay. And this is post jail. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. This is actually very very This is very symbolic. This is beautiful. Should write a book. I'd buy that [bleep] [laughter] What's up? Stay tuned. Yeah, it's already uh in the ethers. That's a fact. Um, how do you recognize when your spiritual practice helps you face pain when it helps you avoid it?

1:05:41 I think that's a good question because when you do have spiritual practices, it can be a form of avoidance. Uhhuh. Uhhuh. And um and it's not [snorts] I think if you're doing it for the wrong reason, I think it depends on your intention. Like if your intention is just to help bring you more peace and bring you back into your center and into your own alignment, then it's, you know, then it's I feel like in alignment. Um but when you're using it as an excuse to avoid um then that's when you're just kind of spiritual bypassing what they call it. Um, you know, the the the greatest tests are when you um are have to just face it, you know, like you just have to show up anyway. And like and you might not have that tool or whatever it might be. It's just like what's within you. It's like yeah, everything you need is within you, right? This all just like supports it, right? you know, the crystals and um you know, they some people are like, "Oh, worried about crystals. [laughter] That's another topic, right?" Um and they're like, "Oh, that's that's not that's not good." Like I've had people come up in this business. Yeah. In this business, like people look at you and they're like, you know, with that judgment sometimes too, it's like, "Oh, what are you doing? That's evil." But I'm like, you know, crystals are from the earth.

1:07:29 Like they just hold different frequencies. And if you really are worried about something like crystal, then you shouldn't have your cell phone [laughter] because did you know that like I mean your phones are listening to you and [bleep] and there's clear cords in your cell phone and there's cord like in our technology so they use this um in and so interesting. Yeah. I mean yeah no I mean when did you learn about Reiki? In 2021, um me and Tara went on our first retreat in Colorado. Um we were living in San Diego at the time and um [clears throat] um 20 like let me go back to 2020. So 2020 is when like a lot of us I feel like you know we're activated in a sense um a lot of things going on you know our perception of what world is and what things are was very tested at that time and when we go back to the chakras like I literally got them tattooed on at me and Terra did too but um this was like a staple this is what when I went through the chakras and I started learning about Um, it gave me that like, oh, I can be better, I can do better, I can evolve, I can, you know, I can change, like I can grow, like it gave me that power that I was like lacking before that. And so I went on this journey and I started learning about the chakras and doing the shaka work. And I started off with the root and I started and then I started making videos and that's when I really started like letting people leading people through meditations and like really like you know it gave me the opportunity especially when spirit's

1:09:19 like you're being rejected from working like we had a CBD company and you know our all our things were outside like events you know gatherings like we were just always right they knew us about the as canopy girls in in San Diego. Um, so when 2020, you know, we couldn't do events. Our online sales sucked. So it was like, okay, well, we're stuck, right? And I try to get a job. Denied. Denied. Denied. Denied. Denied. And I took that as a route. Like spirit's like, "No, you're not working. You're doing you're going into your other spiritual work and then you're going to help, you know, spread it out." And so I took that journey. And in 2021, we took our first retreat. [clears throat] The root chakra came up. It was like, "Oh, um, we we don't know if we can afford this to go on this retreat, like all the things." But you know what? That that investment sometimes you have to look at as an investment to yourself. And that was the one of the best things I ever done. Um, not ever, but like one of the best things in my life. And so when I went on that retreat, I didn't really know much.

1:10:31 I heard about Raiki, but I didn't know. They're, oh, you're gonna get Raiki one. I was like, oh, okay, sure. Like, I love learning. Let's do this. We're going, we're learning about Reiki. And then we go to one of the symbols that you do on your like, you know, not symbols, you know, [laughter] what's it called? The mudras that you kind of like put on your stomach, your sacral chakra when you're doing self-healing. Um, so I did it and I was like, wow. like this one, this one, the womb one. I was sleeping like this years before and I was like, "Okay, interesting." [laughter] And then people were like, you know, before that it was like, "Oh, you got angel hands d um like growing up." And so like then it was just like beginning to connect and I was like, "Oh, okay. Raiki amazing. This is like I feel like this is meant to happen, right? You do have angel hands. [laughter] Thank you.

1:11:34 When you gave me Reiki and your hands were you were on my chest, I didn't even know. I'm like, is this her hands? Am I just feeling this energy? Like, what the hell is this right now? You know what I mean? It just it felt like something else. You know what I mean? And so, no, that's it's a very accurate uh assessment of your hands. They are angel hands. [laughter] No, abs. Absolutely. Wow. Um, so yeah, that's when I got introduced to uh a Reiki, but that was also when I got introduced to sound at that same time. Um, the the sound people, it was a couple and beautiful souls. Um, I experienced my first sound bath and I was like, "Oh, my hands like getting stiff and like I'm just feeling all these sensations in my body and all this stuff." And it was just like so powerful. And then their story about like how he had a tumor and they were trying everything, chemo, all this stuff. Then they discovered sound 6 months they would do it every day. It was gone. So she actually became our mentor year like two years later or three [laughter] years later.

1:12:44 Wait like the brain. Wait. Holy [bleep] Yeah. So the power of sound I was just like okay. So then I got this raiki and the sound and that's why we combine the both now. like we do cuz we just see feel like the combination is just so powerful. So if somebody with cancer wanted to do this every day, you believe the power of Raiki and sound could help cure them of it. Yes. Fascinating. Mhm. Fascinating. And what this person had a tumor where in his brain? No, I think it was like I want to say leg, but I can't. He just had a tumor. Yeah. Yeah. tumor and it was and it was a form of cancer. Yeah. And he did raiki and sound bathing every day. Well, not not raiki, sound. Sound. It was just sound. Oh, it was just sound. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he no longer had the tumor. Yeah. Got rid of the cancer. Yeah. This person is still alive. Mhm. Yeah. Yeah. Where does this person live? I think they live in Colorado now.

1:13:47 [laughter] [gasps] I would love to talk to this individual. That's [bleep] incredible. It's uh Yeah, they're amazing. Um so I'll definitely connect you with them. Please. Oh [bleep] [laughter] You know, cuz I'm like there's there's other ways to go about these things. I I always believed that, but nobody people people know. No, I would uh Oh, yeah. That's an amazing story. Tell me, take me into your first Reiki experience. Like what did you see? You know what I mean? cuz I saw something when I had my first experience. That [bleep] was wavy. Like I was like I was in what I perceived to be heaven. And there were these I was in like this it was in like this palace like oh wow white marble floors uh beautifully crafted pillars, you know, white, you know what I mean? The sky was the sky was blue. The sun was shining. It was gorgeous. And uh what erected were these um these translucent these translucent cubes with gold tops and they were going up and down simultaneously but in slow motion and like the light it was reflecting like a like a rainbow. You know what I mean? Like the light was a rainbow. It was [bleep] incredible. It was I I mean it was like some drug [bleep] I don't know how else to describe [laughter] it.

1:15:15 I mean, and mind you, at the time I, you know, I wasn't doing anything, you know, I wasn't I wasn't indulging in any hallucinagens or anything like that. I was stone cold sober, you know what I mean? So, this just this this was just something else entirely. And excuse me, but like I felt like all this energy surging within me and it's like I was able I I felt my potential, you know what I mean? all the potential that was within me. I I I felt how strong I was. You know what I mean? What was your experience like? Assuming you had, you know, just this like ethereal like experience? I mean like what what was yours? Um for me it was more of a body. Okay. Yeah. I just I just felt the energy just flowing like I never have before. Mhm. Mhm. Yeah. And I was just like so relaxed. Yeah. Mhm.

1:16:16 Yeah. That [bleep] is that [bleep] is that [bleep] is different, man. I I I I like that. [sighs and gasps] [laughter] [clears throat] My next question for you, what part of yourself is hardest to accept when it conflicts with the person you want to be? I think sometimes I want to [snorts] always show up in a certain way to people's perception and I think I've had to learn to let that go. People pleasing. Yeah. Yeah. that was a big thing theme in my life and like I feel like it's probably only been like two years that I've been finally like purging that um and just like being like okay you know it's okay if you know I am you know like the angel in somebody's story. I am like the neutral party in somebody's story and then I am also the villain in somebody's story. [laughter] Whose story are you the villain? I'm curious. God damn it. [gasps] cuz I think that person deserved it, you know.

1:17:35 [bleep] I mean, hey, I can't make assumptions. I don't know. But [laughter] [bleep] you know, I can't imagine you just out here being a [bleep] [bleep] I don't see it. You know what I'm saying? I just don't see [laughter] it. You know, but you know, it's, you know, it's not always like, you know, like I'm might not always like do something so horrible like to to be in that category for somebody. Um sometimes it could just be simple of like um my energy can be so either like sometimes intriguing, interesting, welcoming, um inspiring, right? But then on the other hand, it could be very unique to somebody that it could be like overwhelming or intimidating, right? M um and it's not obviously usually always intentional for me to like um sometimes I just come off strong. [laughter and gasps] Um and you know most of the time it's with good intentions you know it's with love you know you don't I have my moments too like any human um but [snorts] yeah I think sometimes it's like being misunderstood and being okay with that you know cuz you know somebody will look at me and have one perception but you know like you said we don't know everybody's full story and until we do our perception is always going to be kind of like hm Mm-m.

1:18:59 I don't know. I've come to learn that what society deems to be wrong with us is in direct correlation with what's right with us as long as we channel it properly. Mhm. That said, it's fair to assume that what has what society has deemed to be wrong with you is your, you know, your your your heaviness of your emotion as well as your people pleasing. Right. Yeah. Yeah. How have you been? How do you feel this what you're doing now with alchemy is is allowing you to to transfer that and and and channel it properly to the point where your flaw becomes your greatest strength. Mhm. I think I just express I'm able to express myself freely without anyone telling me how I should do it. M um and that it's like very liberating and and when I do that I get the feedback and I get the messages or I get direct inerson message that like wow you know you just show up in the camera and you talk like I try to do that but then I like switched it right somebody recently told me that it's another business owner how like they complimented me on that and that they they wanted to do that from themselves but then they instead that shared their business. And I was like, but they want to see you and they look at me and they think, "Oh, it's so easy." But if you know me on the deepest level, not you don't even have to know me on the deepest level, right? Because there's I don't know if anybody will actually know that part of me. Um but um in my chart, for example, Leo is my Chiron. Chiron in your chart is your greatest wound and it's in the first house which is about self.

1:20:54 So my greatest wound is being seen and all that I am and I've noticed through many conversations with people that that's a wound for them too. But yes, wow. But when it's literally in your Chiron, in your chart, it just makes it more ten times more like a thing that you face more often in your life. That's like a deep thing. Being seen in what way? In like your most vulnerable sense and like your most ugly sense. Like cuz I I Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That's probably my greatest wound, too, cuz I Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Um, I uh learned to like, you know, before I even knew that was in my chart. It's like your wound is your greatest gift though. And so people are seeing the gift that I give to them because you know I started like in 2020 like I started sharing videos and I started like sharing wisdom but then also sharing my story and I've been like share my tears and I share all this and like showing so much rawness that like yeah there was so much fear right but somebody told me this and I don't remember who but fear to me till this day since I've heard it. Face everything and rise. That's a fact.

1:22:17 And and so I chose to do that and and I feel like that in that way I'm alchemizing my wound into my gift. Mhm. That's what's up, man. And all that said, uh my last question to you, uh just with all that you've become, what might you need to let go of about who you are today to make room for who you're becoming? Good question. [laughter] I feel like I'm always in the process of letting go. Um, you know, like I'm always discovering like new parts of like parts of myself that I'm like, oh, like I, it's funny because I talk to people about like, you know, we go through this, you know, spiral in life. And so you you face things that you might have faced like last year or like years ago, right? But then you face it, you can face it with a new perspective, in a new way. Yeah. I feel like you're presented with the same test until you until you conquer it properly. Yeah. Yeah.

1:23:37 Yeah. So, I feel like I'm always learning what that is. And so, like for me to answer that, I can't really answer that. [laughter] That's perfectly fine. Perfectly fine. You know what I mean? Some questions aren't meant to be answered yet. You know what I mean? That's what's up. I appreciate how candid you are. I appreciate, Again, I appreciate you giving me your time. I mean this was absolutely phenomenal. I would love to be able to uh conduct another interview with you down the line to just uh touch deeper upon some other topics that we that we explored here today. Uh if assuming you'd be open to that. Yes, of course. Yeah. Um yeah. No, damn. Karma, thank you. Thank [laughter] you so much. Thank you. This is absolutely amazing, my friend.